25 March 2007


Why do people find it so hard to do? To be straight with someone rather than backstab or say something they know that they will not follow through? It really winds me up as Im completely straight with people & expect/would like the same in return, if Ive upset someone or annoyed them or wound them up in any way I would much rather be told than for it to just fester or to hear it through a third party but it seems that is too much to ask from some people. This isn't a general thing, it relates to one person who has completely lied about everything, it very nearly cost him our friendship which, according to him, he placed such a high value on. That led to me giving him another chance & staying friends, although he'd severely damaged the trust it was something I thought could be regained albeit slowly, I also thought it would be a waste of a good friendship which as I said earlier, he placed such a high value on. That turned out to be a lie as well, I won't go into details as it is a very long story & I don't want to bore anyone etc etc suffice to say I had the nerve & guts to be honest & end what was left of the friendship which he clearly didn't, what has annoyed me & upset me really is the fact he still lied & still didn't learn from his previous mistake which caused so much damage & hurt in the first place. But I feel alot better for cutting him out of my life with a very cutting email, I tried the face to face thing & it didn't work, clearly he thought I didn't mean it.

Also, does anybody else find it completely anger making how mums know precisely the button to press to get a reaction? Problem is I think my mum is too good at it, we have a close relationship anyway but because my father was/still is an alcoholic & very abusive towards her verbally & mentally, twice physically which proved to be the last straw & led to divorce a couple of years ago, which Im very glad of because it was badly affecting my younger brothers & sisters who turned to me when they were upset at the atmosphere or what had been said/screamed between our parents. I don't have anything at all to do with him now because of the way he was towards her & me & some of the other children. She never got the support she should have got from him because of how he was & so she would talk to me about things, still does sometimes which I never minded & still don't. The problem is when she gets wound up or very upset/stressed or things aren't going well I tend to get it taken out on me with snide remarks & comments or a general 'having a go', even though she has remarried & settled with someone who is lovely & perfect for her & basically been what we all needed, he never gets the earache, it's always me. I know why she does it & that she doesnt mean it because I always get a heartfelt apology the next day but it doesn't stop it from hurting me or upsetting me at the time, once some really not very nice things were said & as bad as I feel & as much as I try I can't forget or completely forgive what she said & this time is the same, she cut deep & there really was no need for it. The infuriating thing is she knows exactly what to say to me that will upset me & I really don't think it's fair. What makes it harder is I live at home still because of various circumstances so when I say Im moving to back to London as soon as is possible, which is what Ive been planning ever since I finished college there, just now Im certain it's where I want to be, she wonders why! She also wonders why I don't talk to her about things & go to a friend or my boyfriend when I have problems, maybe it has something to do with the fact that when I have tried to talk to her, no matter how old Ive been or what it's been about, the conversation has always somehow turned on to her problems & how hard a time she's having & lately that has got worse which means now I don't talk to her about anything Im having problems with really. I know from reading all that that I sound like a spoiled teenager who is in a 'poor little me' mood & she sounds like a complete dragon, that isn't the case at all because Im not & she isn't it's just sometimes I find the way she is really hard to deal with, maybe it is this week hasn't been great anyway due to the friend incident but I just wish sometimes she was the shoulder to cry on or the soundboard to moan at.

Bit of a depressing post but thats why Ive kept this blog annonymous, so I have somewhere to get things off my chest & have a rant where it won't affect anyone else & makes me feel better, it's weird but if Id shown my identity I don't feel I'd be able to do that so this is literally an online diary I guess :o)
On a completely different & much lighter matter though Im really into dresses at the moment, firstly I need one to wear to a wedding thats coming up & secondly summer is nearly here & Im fed up of jeans/skirt/shorts, it's nice to feel feminine & 'girly' sometimes so here's a few that have caught my eye, plus a few others that are more of the tshirt dress design. Ive actually bought the striped jumper dress & it's lovely, I was pleasantly surprised at how good it looks :o)

Choices, glorious choices!


lilith said...

people are always going to give you bullshit...mothers are always going to be a pain...there is always going to be too much drama in life

dickiebo said...

Gosh, all these clothes are so nice. I just can't make my mind up.........

totallyun-pc said...

GND - your talking about human nature. Mums know how to push your buttons cos part of you is them wether you like it or not, but you know that cos your words suggested it.

Nice sweater... and thanks for your comments too. I know I get a bit heavy sometimes, but like I said in the blog to counsel or not to counsel", its the only time I get to spout off. And like you say, being anonymous means you can tell the truth for a change without hurting/betraying anyone!

GirlNextDoor said...

Lilith - True, but then you have to look on the bright side as well!

Dickiebo - I guess the only way is to buy them all & see which one suits you best & compliments your complexion ;o) hehehehehe

Totallyun-Pc - Yeah, it was more needing to get it off my chest & vent my frustration & your right, especially as me & my mother are very similar, if not identical, personalities so maybe clash a little sometimes.
Blogging can be pretty therapeutic at times, don't know if anybody else thinks the same but I certainly feel better after posting something like the 'Straight' post, vents my frustration etc etc without harming anyone which is a good thing :o)