25 April 2007

15 Things

I've realised over the past few days there are quite a few things I hate & love, mainly because I came home yesterday in an arrgghh! mood, I'm beginning to think I'm a bit of a moody cow at the moment, not like me but I'm blaming it on other people (of course!) Anyway, I thought Id do a 15 things I hate/love list, just because over the past few days the hate things Ive witnessed too much of & the love things there hasn't always been enough of!

The 15 things I hate are:

1. Smelly People. Of which there are far too many at the moment, soap & water is not a killer, unlike your B.O.

2. Parents who fail to discipline their children. Please don't shoot me filthy looks because your child has turned out to be the spawn of Satan. It isn't easy to discipline children but it isn't rocket science either, try it, you might even see some results!

3. Backstabbers. If you have something to say please have the decency to say it to my face, it's ok, I can handle it & who knows, I might just return the favour!

4. People who assume I am underage. just because I don't look my age does not make me a school dodging illegal drinker. No, I don't look my age, Yes, that is a genuine I.D card, no, I am not related to Kylie & yes, you are pissing me off. (This mostly relates to me being refused entry to a 15 Cert. film, when Im 21!)

5. Arrogant People. Just because you are better paid/dressed/looking does not make you a better person than others, nor does it make you more attractive or nicer.

6. People with no manners. The words you're looking for are 'Please' & 'Thank you' try using them, you'll get a much better response. Im also sure that old lady you just pushed past appreciated your politeness, well done.

7. Winter mornings. I just want to stay wrapped in my duvet & for the alarm clock to explode.

8. Marmite. What is the point?! I could also say this about tea, very spicy food, sprouts & McFly though.

9. Bitchy Gossipy Girls. Again, what is the point? I just don't get it!

10. Men who lack the chivalrous streak. Im all for equal rights & don't expect to be offered a seat everytime on a crowded bus or tube, but when there is a pregnant woman stood or I am trying to get through a door, maybe offer your seat or to hold the door open? The worst you'll get is a 'no thanks'.

11. Shoes that don't come in my size. I find the perfect pair of shoes, go to look & the smallest size they come in is a size above what I take, just not fair! Then again, I think my bank manager is happier than he otherwise would be!

12. Rude shop assistants. Have you never heard of customer service or people skills? For all you know I could be a millionaire & able to afford those £200.00 pair of shoes, Im not but thats besides the point, I could do without your scowls.

13. My small feet. They are just impractical!

14. Jordan. Anybody can get silicone implants & pose 'provocatively'.

15. Tony Blair. Surely you don't need an explanation?! Although to be more precise, I hate more what he does than him as a person, then again he is spineless & cowardly, I do hate his character traits.

And now all the moaning is over, 15 things I love :o)

1. Getting over feeling sad/angry/upset/stressed or down by playing my favourite music so loud that it blocks everything else out. Mostly Oasis/U2/T-Rex/Kaiser Chiefs/Killers/Goldfrapp/The Clash. It is an extremely good job we live in the countryside & have no close neighbours, my stereo may well have been confiscated by now otherwise. Anybody else find this gets rid of anger?

2. My skinny jeans. For the simple reason of them making my legs look longer.

3. My high heels. Because they make me slightly taller than I actually am.

4. Make-Up. What would I do without my concealer & mascara, not to mention eyeliner, lip balm & moisturiser.

5. My Best Mate. She is there through thick & thin & still manages to make me laugh, even if we are 'undercover blondes' due to the stupid things we find ourselves doing/saying/thinking!

6. My C.D Collection. Far too many but I listen to them all & they are probably my one big vice, HMV is a regular.

7. My Horse. She may cause me unneccasary injuries & be rather headstrong but she's all mine!

8. The Opposites Of The People I've Listed Above. Because it's nice when someone says please or thank you, smiles, when you see a well behaved child, when a man has a chivalrous streak or just somebody who thinks about others a bit.

9. My boyfriend. he might be a muppet at times but as muppets go he isn't a bad one! It's also a very good job he isn't reading this seeing as I've only just realised at number 9!!!

10. The Summer. Because I get a tan & get to wear my summer clothes instead of being bundled up in jumpers & coats. Also, because all the music festivals are on & everything is just so much nicer.

11. The Smell Of Cut Grass. I don't know why, I just do.

12. Hot Bubble Baths. Just fantastic in the winter.

13. My hair being played with. I have no idea why, I think Im just a little bit weird!

14. Rainbows. Im still hoping to find a pot of gold!

15. The numerous places that sell petite ranges or fashionable teens clothes. I thank you Next, New Look & Topshop because otherwise Id be forever consigned to pink leggings & barbie t-shirts!

So there you go, my quite big hates & big loves. And now Im going to make the most of my day off, the sun is out & Im off to enjoy it before it disappears!

21 April 2007


Firstly, apologies for the title but it had to be said. secondly Im about to blow my top over my boss, cover your ears!
I have issues with my boss, Im 100% sure he was beaten with the ugly stick liberally as a child, he has personal hygiene problems, he's a bore, he's a letch, he quite often thinks he's funny when in actual fact he's not, he tries to be your 'friend', he's asked every girl that works there out for dinner & then tries to do our job by cocking it up royally then leaving one or the other to get him out of the shit & sort out his mistake or placate the person he has pissed off, god I hate him.
Yesterday he got very close to me blowing my top, why does he have to be such a prat?!
Admittedly, I do have punctuality issues but they aren't that often, yesterday I was 5 minutes late which is no big deal because fridays are never busy, I get in check what I need to check & tell night duty man that I'll just go & grab a coffee from the kitchens & be right back, he had no problem with this, if he'd needed to get off then fine, I wouldn't have gone. I go down to kitchens, come back & boss says to me ''If you need coffee in the mornings come in 10 minutes earlier & get it'' I was kind of miffed but thought fair enough, not an hour later he tells me (TELLS, not asks) to go & get him a coffee! If he had been busy then fine but he wasn't & I was, I point this out to him & he tells me 'he's waiting for a call' seeing as Im not going to win this without recieving my P45 immediately I go, making a point about how it's strange that all of a sudden Im allowed to go on coffee runs....

The second thing that annoyed me is there is part of the office where to get to stuff you have to squeeze between a wall & the edge of a desk (impractical I know) anyway if anybody else needs something from here they ask you to pass it because otherwise you have to literally squeeze past one another, well guess what, he doesn't do that, he holds the girls by the hips & squeezes past them making a big deal of saying 'oh sorry just need to squeeze past'
Well Im fed up of 'oh sorry just need to squeeze past' & asked him what was wrong with 'Excuse me' or 'can you pass me the...' apparently he thinks it's easier for us if he just gets what he wants himself. Right, that would be why he never does it to the 6ft bloke that works there or the guy from the gym (although I have to say, Im tempted when it's the guy from the gym but anyway!)
We've got wise to this now & hastily move when he approaches, the new girl has yet to learn this trick.

The third thing that pissed me off is why he finds it so hard to leave us to do our job, why does he feel the need to take over when we're halfway through something? He did this yesterday & asked me ''what do I do next?'' unfortunately I was verrrrrry busy helping someone fill out a gym membership, when he'd sweated enough I thought Id help him out only to be told I need to learn to proritise which person needs sorting more & be more 'professional' I just looked at him & got on with it. But of course it's ok for him to sit in the office & pick his scabs off his scalp & eat them, yes I did say eat them. Dirty bloody mongrel.

It also gets me when any female customers appear he is like a dog being teased with steak, the tongue lolling, the bright eyes, the excited yelps, prick. It doesn't seem to bother him they are plainly repulsed & don't actually need or want his 'help'.
He doesnt believe in sticking to women his own age (54, he thinks he looks so great for his age), no why be selective, it's an open market why not go for the 16/17 yr olds too.
I really struggled yesterday to hold my tongue, it is only because of the money & the fact I do actually need this job that I did. He seemed to be extra annoying yesterday, little barbed comments & stupid remarks, that sort of thing but it really did seem to get to me more than usual. I left an hour early feigning illness to get asked if it was 'womans problems' no, it's f****ng man problems, which I turned round & said to him & he has the bloody cheek to ask if the boyfriend has got fed up with me & if he has he doesnt mind taking his place! In his f****ng dreams (I nearly added a word there but I won't) I mean bloody hell, he just doesn't get it. The worst thing is you can't really make a complaint because he does it in such a way that if you did put it in writing or went to management it would sound stupid, a written complaint was made last year by most of us, the few that didn't were the ones that didn't want to 'cause trouble' & he got a talking to, he's toned down since then but still makes comments & remarks. It seriously winds me up but I came home yesterday, chilled out & took a couple of hundred deep breaths, I felt better :o) & Monday is still a day & a half away, oh sweet sweet joy!

16 April 2007

The Thin Blue Line

Will, if things go to plan & I get accepted etc, have an extra dot at the end :o)
I have definitely decided that I want to join the Police force, I've looked into it further & my opinion is still the same, it's something I have a really strong feeling about doing, I see coppers out on the beat (I know, a very rare sight indeed!) ;o) & Im actually envious of them, the more I hear of the job the more interested I become & the more I want to do it.
Im so bored in the job Im in it's untrue, Im a receptionist at a hotel & I like the people side of it when it's busy, I like the interaction with the public but I get so mind numbingly bored sometimes because things tend to follow a pattern, there's no real change, I want a job that will keep me challenged & something that requires me to focus & stretch myself, plus Im quite an active person so being stuck behind a desk isn't really me.
I can't apply in the immediate future because of personal stuff I need to get sorted out plus I will hopefully, if things go to plan & I don't see why they shouldn't, be living in London by the end of summer/beginning of winter so im going to wait until Ive moved & depending on if they are accepting new recruits or not I will apply to the Met, I had a quick look on their website but the only thing I could see was them madly recruiting PCSO's & specials & I would rather be a regular than a PCSO, specials is a possibility if I don't get in first time round or just to get a taste of how things are & to see if I like it as much as I imagine I will, if I DO get in then I would eventually like to join the mounted division, that would be perfect :o).
Im certainly not going to go for Essex, Ive heard baaaaaad stuff about them regards to the morale & numbers game, I know it's like that generally in the police but Essex seems to be the worst off at the moment. There is a thread on Police Oracle Forums about the 'ess mess' & officers in their droves are transferring to the Met apparently.
The fitness side doesn't really worry me as I do alot of sport anyway, I horseride, swim, surf when it allows & run quite regularly, the only thing I may need to do is bulk up a bit for the push/pull test.
I really feel like it's the right thing for me to do, you know when your constantly thinking of doing something & the more you think about it the more you want to do it? It's like that, kind of like a pull towards it I guess, hard to explain.
The only thing that has prevented me in the past is my build but as the police have dropped the minimum height requirements I feel slightly more confident, alot of people have said it's your attitude & the way you put yourself across to people as to how they react towards you anyway & as Ive said before, I know I have good communication skills & can relate to people easily, I also don't find it difficult talking to people on different levels, I think I just must be a 'people person'
Anyway, just have to wait & see how it goes, but I shall keep you updated & hopefully the end result being the Girl Next Door becomes a fully fledged policewoman!
I just hope they have uniform small enough, still, if the worst comes to the worst I could always raid the kids dress up section in Woolworths, & you never know it might even be better quality than the police provide.......... ;o)

11 April 2007

Damned if you do.....

...And damned if you don't comes to mind. Did anybody see the national news the other night? I don't see it every night but there was bit on there about armed officers & whether they are too quick to kill. Im aware this is a big fat can of worms but I have opinions on the subject, whether they are right or wrong is a different matter, I don't pretend to know about this subject & I would not want to be in that situation, but they are my opinions.
The bit I saw was basically a report on how easy/difficult it is for a person to be in that situation & make a split second decision on whether to kill or not, no matter how much training you give someone it will never, ever compare to real life. This reporter was given a taste of the training armed officers recieve & was basically set up with a laser gun & imaginary scenarios on a reactive screen in front of him, scenario's ranging from a school shooting to a violent argument between a man & woman at home. Results being rather than focusing on the whole situation he tended to focus on one person/point & shoot when he felt threatened. His comments at the end were basically you have to have your eye & mind on everything & everyone, not just the person who is waving a loaded gun like the national flag or the one who you think is dangerous & it is by no means as simple & clean cut as he thought it was, let alone anybody else. Therefore it is not just a case of being trigger happy but having to make an educated & balanced judgement & then acting on it, without the luxury of being able to sit back & risk assess every single point, which most educated people know & understand. It's the ones sat at home who have watched a report on t.v or read a story in the paper who then sit back & say ''I would have done this, he shouldn't have done that, that should have been done, he's a murderer''
All of that is extremely easy to say when you are sat in your favourite armchair with
tea & biscuits, a safely locked front door & sooty on your lap, not so easy when you are trying to keep people safe, yourself safe, your colleagues, prevent any shots being fired, watching everything around you, trying to keep the panic & noise out of your head & concentration going, to decide the next step to take, whether you are able to get that person under control without shooting or whether for your's & others safety the risk is too great & you need to shoot.
Im not even going to try to comment on the specifics of the Jean Charles De Menezes shooting because I don't know enough about it but the fact remains that the officer/officers who fired those shots had to make that decision going on the fact he was a possible suicide bomber, unfortunately he wasn't so the officers involved were branded, by the public, incompetent & should be given the sack immediately, without a professional investigation & without the chance to explain because apparently ''they should have known'' maybe they should but going on the advice they were given & the position they were in they had little choice. If he HAD have been a bomber & the police hadn't shot they would have been branded incompetent, not fit for the job & given the sack immediately because the police should do their job properly, hmmm, a no win situation then really, please refer to post title!
The simple push of a trigger can have far reaching effects, but it applies to both parties, the person who is shooting to kill in cold blood & the person who is shooting in a controlled way to save others.
I suppose my basic point is that it is impossible to judge what you would have done in that kind of situation unless you face being in it or were there & that decision rested on your shoulders, you just cannot do it because there are so many factors & considerations that it is impossible to say ''if it was me I would have done....etc etc'' because it wasn't you & in all probability never will be you, especially as your reading it from a paper or watching it on tv in the comfort of your office/home/car etc because the danger is not there at that very second.
I just think the report on the news made a change from the usual ''police in the wrong again, damn them to hell'' reports & actually trying to understand & make other people aware that it isn't as black & white as they might like to think.
As I said at the beginning, all of this is my personal opinion & I'm aware it's a very sticky subject but one I'm quite interested in. I also know what I've said has probably in one way or another been said before & will be said again but feel free to comment, however constructive or not it may be just don't swear or tell me I have no idea, I already know that ;o)

9 April 2007

It's Official

The farrrier is F.I.T! (Any guys reading this may want to flick down the page a bit, unless of course you are into Orlando Bloom-alikes in which case, read on!) I stupidly took one of my friend's up on the offer of a night out last night, I get a phonecall at 10pm saying if I want a lift he'll pick me up in 40 minutes, after a bit of arm twisting I go, with the intention of it being 'just for a quick one' & we all know what that means....... I think I got in at about 3am after one too many J.D & cokes, thing is after the J.D, that's when the Sambuca starts to look very attractive, never a good thing.

I woke up this morning feeling all shaky & dizzy, why oh why do I never learn from my mistakes?! Had to be up the stables for 9.30am because my horse was having new shoes (lucky her ;o) )

Considering I didn't wake up until 9am I consider it an acheivement that I was there at 9.40am, go & grab the horse & that's when I realise that the farrier there is definitely not the usual. All of a sudden my mind is no longer focused on how dizzy/shaky/wobbly I feel or how unfairly dazzling the sunlight is not even how my horse is plainly taking advantage of my weakened state by trying to dislocate my arm from it's socket, no, my attention is now focused on the new farrier, who I can only describe as being a cross between Sean Bean & Orlando Bloom, as in the ugly/goodling-ness of Sean Bean but the boyish & dark looks of Orlando Bloom, a sight to behold! lol. I only wish I hadn't looked so 'goth' deathly white complexion & needing to lean on the wall for support, still, it brightened up my morning & at least I had something nice to look at while I contemplated fainting. Just I've now realised that my horse may need to start developing feet problems that require a farrier's visit....... ;o)

Was on the 'net a bit today & came across this bag which I adore, it is just a shame the price tag is not so adorable because at £525.00 it is just slightly beyond my budget. I shall save it as a future purchase though, for when a handsome millionaire begs for my hand in marriage & gives me sole use of his gold card :o) hmmmm, the words AS & IF come to mind! lol
Apart from the fact it would only be his personality that counted, of course *cough*
Another bad thing apart from not being able to afford The Bag, the last episode of Life On Mars is on tomorrow :o(
Will finally get to find out what the story is, ooooooh the excitement, it's just too much! Apparently though there is to be a spin off series? I wonder if it will be as good? Probably not going by past stuff :o(
Short post today after the mammoth one the other day, my typing fingers are stubs because of that one!

7 April 2007

A Mastercard Moment

As in, some things money can't buy. Yesterday something happened that no amount of money could buy, I'll start at the beginning & hopefully it will all make sense :o)
A few years ago, when I was 17.5 I started seeing someone who was quite a bit older than me (by 19 years) it wasn't an issue because we really got on & so the age difference wasn't a problem as some people may think. First 3 months were fine, really good in fact & what he did he did in such a clever way I didn't notice it happening, as you read this you may find that quite unbelievable & so would I if it hadn't happened because it appears such a black & white situation but when you are in that situation you honestly & truly do not notice it happening, it is done in such a clever & slow way.
It was after those first 3 months that things started to change, I have no idea why, whether it was planned or whether something triggered it I really don't know but things really changed. Things went from being fine & happy go lucky, both of us enjoying being together & just like a relationship should be, he'd had problems with women in the past, quite serious problems & maybe that's where the roots lay, I don't know. He'd spoken to me about what happened & explained & that was fine, I was happy with that & so was he.
As I said, after those 3 months things changed, he went from being laid back, relaxed & fine to being questioning, jealous, abusive & just completely & utterly horrible.
If i wasn't where I said I was going to be at the exact time I said or didn't call at the exact time I said I would he would question me, 'Who have you been with?' 'What have you been doing?' 'Where have you been?'
I suppose really Im a people pleaser, I don't like people being upset or anything like that & it's worse if I think I may have been the cause of it, & I didn't see anything wrong with it, I honestly thought it was me, the way he put it & the way he was honestly made me believe it was my fault, that if I had called when I said I would he wouldn't be like it, if I had been where I said I was going to be & not 5 minutes late he wouldn't be asking me questions & it would have been fine.
He made me see things differently, he made me view people differently, including some of my closest friends, he would say things like 'Well if they thought that much of you then why aren't they here, why haven't they called?' Why this, why that etc etc. I started seeing less of family & friends & more of him, being on the phone to him when I wasn't with him.
And if I hadn't called or txt for an hour he would accuse me of seeing somebody else, of being a 'slut' 'after all I've done for you you treat me like that'
If I didn't answer the phone when he called or text straight back when he text me, even if i was at work I would get accused of seeing someone else, of not loving him, upsetting him, causing him to 'worry about me' & when he said all this I completely believed it was me, it was my fault & me that had caused the situation & the argument.
Slowly I cut off from friends, not completely but distanced myself because of how he made me see things, how he twisted things. Im naturally outgoing, flirty & bubbly & fun, that all but disappeared, I stopped being flirty because it 'made him worry that something would happen to me' & when I say flirty I mean just general joking & inuendo's, not coming on to someone & giving them the nod & the wink, it's just how I am & anybody that knows me knows thats what I'm like & anybody that doesn't know soon finds out that there is nothing in it & it is just a laugh & joke.
I lost the spark I had, I was quiet & sometimes withdrawn, I was either worrying about him & what would be said if I was running late or hadn't managed to text or call or was crying because of what had been said. Nobody knew really because I kept it hidden, I wasn't living at home then & that was when things were very difficult with my mother & father, which was, I suppose, ideal for him. When I called my mum or went round I would put on a clown's face & if I was quiet Id put it down to what was going on with my parents. I did the same with friend's, it's only my best friend even now, that knows the whole story.
I was depending on him more & more, Id spend nearly all my free time with him & if I wasn't with him Id be on the phone to him, I honestly believed I needed him & that he was the best thing for me, he was the only person I could rely on & the only one I could talk to about anything.
I remember one day one of his friend's, who had been on life support in hospital, died. It was expected because there was nothing more they could do for her. My phone was switched off because I had an appointment at a different hospital, when I came out I switched it back on & saw 15 missed calls & 8 voicemails, in an hour. I called him straight back & asked what had happened, what was wrong? I was really upset & really worried, he told me & turned round & said 'You don't care about me at all, you are selfish the only person you care about is yourself, that's why you have barely any friends.'
I was listening to this & believing it, I was crying because I hadn't been there when he needed me, he put the phone down so I text him, apologising & saying I was sorry, I got one back saying 'Fuck off you selfish bitch'
I saw him that evening & he didn't apologise for what he had done or how he'd been, I apologised. He said 'I accept that but you should have been there, I needed you & you weren't there, you let me down' I explained I'd been in hospital, that he knew Id had an appointment that day & that my phone would be off, all he kept saying was that I was his girlfriend, I should be there for him like he was for me no matter what because thats how boyfriends & girlfriends were, that if I wanted this to work Id have to stop being so selfish & think about his feelings & what he wanted, I said yes & apologised, again.
I more or less stopped having a social life, if I did go out with friends he wanted to know who I was with, where I was going & what time I would be back, otherwise he would get 'worried about me'.
He didn't like me being alone with male friends so I wouldn't be, Id only see them in a group or if I bumped into them in town, I did bump into a friend once, one of my best male friends & he asked if I wanted to go for a coffee, I said I shouldn't really but it was my lunchbreak so I agreed.
We went and sat down & had a chat & he asked if I was ok, that he didn't see much or hear much of me anymore, what was going on? I just said I was seeing someone now & thats how things were, of course there wasn't a problem. He started to get a bit cross then, saying Id changed, I wasn't who I used to be & why was I being like it, what was wrong? I said there was nothing wrong & in the end I accused him of being jealous, jealous that I was seeing someone & he wasn't.
Hard to believe but things got a bit worse until my best friend invited me round to her place for the evening, saying she needed help with revision for an exam she was taking for her college course & that she'd pick me up from work, she didn't need to revise at all but she got me round there & made me see how things had changed, made me see the person Id become & why Id become that person, at first I didn't want to hear it at all, I got up to leave & she wouldn't let me, not until Id heard her out.
I stayed & we talked for about 4/5 hours, her making me see what had happened & how things had changed, what they had become. She took my phone off me & just made me listen, not shout or get cross, just explain & talk, & fair play to her, I wasn't interested at first but she persevered & kept on & in the end I just broke down & cried my eyes out. I loved him, I really really did & would have done anything for him, I told her this & she asked did he really love me? Would he do what he was doing if he really had respect for me & wanted the best for me? Make me unhappy & never ask how I was or how I was dealing with things but if he had problems or was finding things hard I was expected to listen, no matter what & if I tried to talk about things that I was finding difficult or was upset about the answer I got was 'Ive got enough problems of my own, I don't need to hear about yours as well'
I said of course he loved me & he wanted the best for me & she asked how could he? When he had pushed most of my friends away, they hardly saw anything of me anymore. I didn't go out hardly at all anymore & had to be accountable to him for everything, my reply was he was worried in case something happened & thats how a relationship is, she confronted me by asking was her boyfriend like it? Was he demanding & jealous? Or abusive & non suportive? I had to admit, no he wasn't, he treated her with total respect & let her have her own life.
Everything came out that night & it felt like something had fallen away from me, I felt light & not weighed down. I don't know how she did it but she did & Im so greatful because looking back I cannot believe how Id changed, how I was & how I was living my life. Just how much control he had had over me & how he'd managed it. Writing this has made me see even more how shocking a situation it was & how I never ever put him as being the one in the wrong, just how easy it is to end up in that situation. Im not a clingy, shy person, Im a social butterfly, Im stubborn & argumentative, I stand up for myself & won't take rubbish from anyone, I speak my mind fend or please & if I feel something needs saying I will say it, Im not afraid of confrontation if something has to be said or done & Im not afraid of what people do or don't think of me. Im independent & support myself, I like having my freedom & space. And if someone like me can be pulled into a situation like that then it makes you realise how manipulative, how cunning some people can be, just how much things can be twisted & how somebody can completely change your outlook & views & how easily it can be done.
After my friend had spoken to me & made me see I didn't go home or switch my phone back on that night, he didn't know where I had gone because my friend had picked me up from work & changed plans when she had me with her. I phoned him the next day & told him it was over, I didn't want to be with him & I didn't want to hear from him again, could he not contact me & leave me alone because if he didn't I would take things further. He said all the stuff you would expect him to, going from me needing him & needing his support to a being selfish & stupid little bitch & letting my friend make decisions for me & run my life. He never laid a finger on me physically, not once, it was all mental so I can't say he was physically abusive because he absolutely wasn't.
After that weekend I saw him once to end things properly & it was so hard, much much harder because bits of me still believed that what he said was true.The last thing I heard was about a year ago, that he was moving because he had applied for a transfer, it was also his job that made me think, when I was with him, that he couldn't possibly be capable or wouldn't do such a thing so therefore it must be me.
The mastercard moment comes in now, I was walking home & saw him yesterday, I wondered how Id be if I bumped into him again, whether Id be quiet & apologetic or still have feelings for him, want to be with him still or whether Id hate him for how he'd been & what he'd said in the past. Weirdly I didn't feel any of that, I didn't have any feelings for him but at the same time I didn't hate him either, very weird. I spoke to him, asked how he was how things were with him & he said he's moved back, missed being here & things & felt more settled here. He asked how I was, what Id been upto & whether I was seeing anyone etc etc. I told him that I was & about my plans for moving to London with my best friend & how hopefully it would all slot into place. Must have only been 5 minutes we were talking, if that. I said my goodbyes & wished him luck & it really surprised me how I felt, or what lack of feelings I did have. It took me a long while to get over him & start to think about seeing someone again, looking at him & talking to him & walking away, the only thing I felt was pity & some sadness, pity for what sort of a person he is, how he is single & how if he hadn't been like he was things could have been different for us. & sadness at how he doesn't see, he's still that same person & still selfish, still complaining about his lot & how difficult things have been for him, including his second marriage, he hates his ex wife with a vengence & blames what she did & how she was for how things have turned out for him & how they have affected his life, to some extent it is her fault but he clings onto that as the root of all his problems, both emotionally & generally.
Seeing him & walking away yesterday not having any feelings for him, not wanting to be with him or regretting what had happened, being able to let go & accept that that is how he is & that is why he is still single now has acted as a kind of closure to the whole relationship. I knew in my heart of hearts that I didn't want to be with him & wouldn't ever see him again but was always curious about how Id be & how Id handle it if I did bump into him again. And now I know, there really are some things money cannot buy & that is one of them, being able to have complete closure to a situation & let it go, accept it happened but it's in the past now & it won't happen again because you won't let it, your older & wiser (if only slightly ;o) ) & know that you can handle things & don't 'need' anybody, you like having someone around & being there for them as they are for you, it being equal & genuine caring, genuine love but you want them & you want that, you don't 'need' them. They enhance who you are & compliment who you are, not try & change you or who you have grown to be. They love you for you, the good & bad, your annoying habits & little quirks because that is what makes you 'you'. You can accept that if something did happen & it did go wrong, & you ended up not being together for whatever reason, although you would be devastated you would get over it, you would carry on & your life would not come to an end. You would be upset & unhappy for a while but it wouldn't last forever & you would always love that person, no matter what happened or how things ended because they had let you be you, treated you with respect & let you be who you are, let you have your freedom & space, the same as you do them. Picked you up when you were down & shared the good things that happen, be there through the best & worst of times for you, not just expect it to be a one way thing. Being able to make each other happy & enjoying that person's company & being with them but not depending on it, not needing it so badly that if something were to happen you would be afraid, scared of not having that person around & what the consequences would be of not being with that person. Just realising & accepting that things are just fine as they are & you can cope on your own just as much as anybody else can but that person being there is a bonus & a comfort, not a hindrance & a worry. To sum it up Dido's 'See you when you're 40' could have been based on & written for him.

A very long & heavy post, again, but something I needed & wanted to say :o)

5 April 2007

Bloody Wind!

It seems I have been put on this pleasant earth for amusement purposes only, honestly, how many more times do I have to suffer embarrassment on a grand scale? Lol. It seems the mirror incident wasn't enough, I shall explain, after work yesterday I walked through town & called into a friend's as I was meeting the boyfriend & obviously didn't want to turn up in work clothes, a girl's gotta make a bit of effort you know :o) Was on my way back through town & weather was a bit 'fresh' which is ok, better than rain thinks I, stupid girl.....

Was just approaching the one way system which is bang in the centre of town & 2 minutes from where I was meeting the boyfriend, it was 6pm so pretty busy, kind policemen stopped to let me cross & thats when it happened, just as Im crossing the road my skirt decided to blow up, not just flick up but full on round my waist type job, in front of a queue of traffic & a group of 14/15 yr old schoolboys. Cue me desperately trying to save my blushes in the middle of a busy road, obviously couldn't just stay there so along with carrying my bag (I have vowed to get a smaller one now) & a bottle of wine Im desperately trying to hold my skirt down, not drop the wine or my bag (you see where my priorities lay? Think of the wine first!) & hurry across the road, all while wearing heels & the wind is having a merry time being the strongest it's been the whole day, not just a gentle breeze, oh no, a bloody great gust & putting up a pretty good fight! Where is a roadworkers hole when you need one? Id have quite happily hopped down into it at that point! I have a feeling I resembled a red cheeked penguin the way I was walking. It didn't help that schoolboys were behind me coming out with 'helpful' comments or that the policemen were plainly pi****g themselves laughing, along with most other people in the traffic & around & about. It felt like it took a bloomin' eternity to cross that road, obviously it didn't take that long but that's what it felt like.
It couldn't have happened outside my friend's flat, which is down a quiet street or outside the off licence which is at the top of town & pretty quiet, or even outside work with only 1 man & his dog walking past & the tramp on the corner, oh no! Wait until Im placed for maximum entertainment & then let the wind play it's merry little game, oh how hilarious I found it! Anyway I get to where I planned to be, albeit a little flustered & the boyfriend asks if everything's ok so I explain, apparently it's the funniest thing he's heard in a long time & proceeds to wet himself laughing & nickname me Flashpants for the rest of the evening, oh such wit he has.......
Needless to say Im doubtful about wearing skirts in the immediate future & yes tupc, I gave in & bought the hotpants, something tell's me they will at least be safer than a bloody skirt! And an incentive to keep up at the gym so it isn't all bad! I suppose. :o)

3 April 2007

Moulin Rouge & Muppets

Had a girly afternoon with some friends on sunday, you know the thing, wine, talking about men - the pro's & con's of ;o) clothes & shopping etc etc. The main topic being what theme party my best friend should have for her 21st, we eventually decided on Moulin Rouge which gives everyone a chance to get all glamorous but especially the girls, I can't wait because I just KNOW it is going to be a fab night :o) Plus, I always wanted an excuse to wear a top hat! lol
Just gotta do some planning which isn't so much fun, Im not good at organizing so I've been put in charge of doing the makeup for everyone that wants it, Im praying that not many will because about 10/15 are girls that are invited , Im invisioning lots of arm ache here, a ton of glitter & the worlds supply of false lashes!

Went into the nearest big town yesterday & got some nice bits, favourite being these shorts, which look better in reality than in the pic, especially as Im really liking the opaque tights & shorts look

This dress, which is cute for casual stuff & this pinafore dress, which Im not too sure about because I don't ACTUALLY want to look like a schoolgirl, so it may be going back, not sure yet

Also saw these & loved them but they'll have to wait, plus they are quite tiny so Id have to be feeling daring!
The muppet bit of this post relates to me, I don't know if anyone else has had the same problem but you know when you go into a shop & the one wall is a very highly polished mirror? Well this shop was like that, which was ok but a little confusing because it made the shop look bigger than it actually was (which I suppose is the idea). Anyway, I was looking at some stuff close to this mirror & being in a kind of hurry & not concentrating I turned round & walked into it, bumping into my own reflection which is bad enough, unfortunately I was on a 'stupid' day & apologised through habit to this reflection thinking Id bumped into someone of a remarkably similar build to me........... I saw the funny side but was THE most embarrassed when the penny finally dropped, it also didn't help that my friend was practically wetting herself with laughter! Ive decided not to go to that shop for a very very long time to come. Lol
And no, I am not blonde but after that incident I am considering it, at least then I would have an excuse! :o)