28 May 2007

Salva Mea

I don't know what's going on with me at the moment, for the last few weeks I've been getting probably a maximum of 4 hours sleep a night & not eating properly at all because I have barely any appetite, the completely weird thing is I don't miss the sleep I'm not getting or the food, how messed up is that?! I know I get like this when I'm stressed or worried about something, I've always had the same reaction & I know it isn't healthy but I can't seem to be able to do anything about it. I'm not depressed or anything like that because I do feel kind of ok but I feel jumbled up inside, that's the only way I can describe it, it's doing my head in.

I'll be with friends or at work & be fine & then come the evening I either feel completely wired & not at all in need of sleep & ok or I'll be the same except not ok & just feel like crying for a little bit, I have more or less zero appetite & a sandwich will fill me up until the next day & if I try to eat more I'm ill. I feel tense most of the time, kind of anxious but I have nothing to be stressed or tense about, I can't work it out & don't understand it. It's not even like my moods change because they don't, I'm not a moody person I'm generally always the same, bubbly & carefree & just how I've always been which is what's confusing me even more. Like I said, I don't miss the sleep I'm not getting or the food I'm not eating & that just isn't right, I've lost weight which I could do without because I'm slim enough as it is, I don't know what to do except go to the doctor but then I don't because I don't want sleeping tablets or anything like that but on the other hand I don't want to keep feeling like I have been, it's so stupid!

Maybe it will pass & it's just a strange time, it's just making me wonder a bit because it isn't possible or healthy to survive on so little food or sleep & I don't want to end up burning out, the few times I've gone to bed at a reasonable time I've just laid there with thoughts & stuff going on in my head, not even important stuff just stupid things & not getting to sleep until 3/4/5 in the morning, even when I've been tired. Some nights I feel absolutely shattered mentally & physically but just cannot get to sleep so lay in bed either listening to my mp3 player, reading or get back up again & go on the 'net or watch tv, it's just ridiculous. I don't know what to do & I don't understand why I'm feeling like I am but I've got to do something because I can't go on like this or I will just burn myself out.


Joe said...

Hi there and pleased to read 'ya.
Now in my humble opionin , seeing as I dont know you from a bar of soap!!!. The only word I have for you is Exercise!!! Go join a gym ,workout correctly and I bet it'll not only lower your cortisol levels, but boost your endorphins and help you feel healthier and more relaxed. Never min dthe benifit it does the mind.

Try it u might even like it!!

Girl*Next*Door said...

I horseride, swim & sometimes run so I don't think it's lack of exercise! Lol
I don't know what it is but I hope it goes away soon, thanks for the comment :o)

maneatingcheesesandwich said...

I've got form for this sort of thing as well - it comes and goes. (Which explains why I'm not fast asleep right now..) Bizarrely, given that it leaves me feeling "up" most of the time, rather than "down", it's a form of depression. Problems with appetite and irrational anxieties are all part of the cycle too.

When I crashed out about five years ago, I was put on a course of SSRI antidepressants. They're not sleeping tablets but helped balance out some of the chemistry, which then let me sleep. The chemistry of the mind is very complex, but one of the key factors for me is serotonin, which helps to regulate sleep amongst other things.

When you can't sleep, you tend to think and get anxious about all sorts of stuff, which then keeps you awake etc,etc. Breaking the cycle chemically is quicker than trying to do it through therapy, and the sleep then helps you deal with the causes more easily.

I didn't like the idea of tablets either, and have no desire to be even occasionally reliant on them, so when I'm feeling "odd" nowadays, I try to regulate it by eating plenty of sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds, which have chemicals in them which the body converts to serotonin, thus doing the same job a different way. I have had to take the tablets again, for a four week period, only once in five years.

Neither treatment does anything to get to the root of the problem though, and this is something that means talking it through with someone. Your GP is unlikely to be wanting to drug you up to the eyeballs and just talking may help more than you can imagine. If you think you're going to feel stupid, imagine what it was like for me - strapping fella in his 30s, working in a big boys' job, part of various specialist teams and having spent (then) nearly 15 years dealing nonchalantly with other people's sh**.

Taking that step was the wisest thing I ever did. The bravest was talking about root issues to a psychologist - but that's another story.

My guess is that your recent relationship troubles have hit home a little harder than you'd like to admit. Perhaps there were some unresolved issues already, way back in your mind, which the recent incidents (lap dance, distance etc) have magnified out of all proportion.

Oh, and as for "I'm not depressed" , I didn't think I was either - most of the time I was just angry and confused, but only when at home. Whilst at work, I managed to switch into work mode, so no-one there knew what was happening to me. Until I went POP, that is. Feeling "jumbled up inside" is probably as good an explanation as any of how I felt prior to reaching the point of no return. Trust me, you don't want to go there if you can possibly avoid it.

Please see your GP. It really is good to talk. You don't have to be "proper mad" to have symptoms of depression, and dealing with things before you go POP will save a lot of collateral damage..

I'm off to bed again now - will check back later !

Girl*Next*Door said...

That's it, I don't feel like it all the time, it comes & goes depending on what's going on at the time & the fact I don't feel ''low'' as such when it does come around made me think it was just me being silly. The not sleeping in itself isn't so bad but the fact I lay awake thinking about things that aren't even that important which leads to things that are slightly more important which then leads to feeling anxious etc is a vicious circle so I can see how the serotonin would help.

I don't like the idea of tablets purely because, as you said, I don't want to be reliant on something that I'm unable to do without & ''need'' so the seeds also sound good, I tend to be a natural healthy eater anyway so that probably helps a bit.

It's not that I'd feel stupid seeing a doctor but I feel that I don't have anything to complain about but I think your probably right about things going deeper than I realise, I have trust issues which go back a long way due to stuff going on between my parents & relating to my dad. I think my ex being like he was & doing what he did bought things up to the surface again, whereas I thought I'd successfully buried them deep & they were forgotten about...
It's not so much trusting someone I have problems with as letting people get close enough & not keeping everyone at arm's length, it's not that I'm distant or cold because I'm the complete opposite but, I'm not very good at giving people my trust, it takes a long time for me to let barriers down & trust someone, I need to see they're genuine in a way which on one hand isn't a bad thing but on the other it isn't a great thing either, I think things run an awful lot deeper than I thought or realised.

At work & when I'm out with friends etc I feel fine, or at least fine enough to not be noticeable & for me to switch off from the deeper stuff, exacly like you said, it's only when I'm at home or away from somewhere where I have to appear ''fine'' that I feel like I have been, ie; confused & in some kind of turmoil, I also know I sometimes snap at people for no good reason, purely because I don't understand it myself & that adds to the ''jumbled up'' feeling that's already there.

I sometimes get home & just shut off & blame it on tiredness, which it probably is in part, but shutting off is easier than confronting the deeper stuff, the fact that I feel 'ok' at work & with friends etc just made me think it was me being moody & it couldn't possibly be me feeling depressed because I don't feel down or low, just tense etc.

Think I will go see the doctor after all, especially after reading your comment, thinking & realising that there are obviously unresolved issues which I thought I'd successfully buried & didn't affect me in the slightest.

Thanks for the comment, made me think about things & realise that it isn't ''being moody'' but other stuff I haven't really confronted that I do need to sort out once & for all, it clarified things & made me feel less like I was just being a moany cow! :o)

Annette said...

maneatingcheesesandwich is right.
It is a form of depression.
Please do go to your doctor and tell him what you've told us.
Your brain is playing tricks on you when you say you are feeling alright.Your not really are you?

PC South West said...

I expect we are all full of advice, but do you drink a lot of coffee?
If so try cutting that down and drink something else before going to bed. I went through a phase like that some years ago too.
Try to relax girl!!

dickiebo said...

South West makes a good point about trying to relax.
In 1954, when I was just 16, I was living in Gilmour Police Section House (single officers' quarters) near the Elephant & Castle, in London. (I was a Cadet then.) I absolutely hated going to bed, as I knew that I would be awake most of the night, unable to sleep, and hearing Big Ben striking every 15 minutes, which seemed to makes matters worse! I was totally depressed by this.
I eventually partially overcame the problem by taking South West's advice. (Though, typical of him, he wasn't around to give it then!!!) Trying to relax, think of pleasant things, and definitely not getting involved in any difficult or protracted, thoughts. Leave serious thoughts for the daytime.
I know - easier said than done, but then, so are most things which are worth having. Good luck, gal.

thoughts running through my head.... said...

'cheese' is right you know,I don't think anyone really thinks to themselves 'I'm depressed',you tend to realise afterwards when its too late to nip it in the bud.You sound as though you cant relax atm which can make you a bit manic,I agree with cutting out the coffee if you do drink alot.Just dont let yourself get too into this way of being GND!Hope youre ok soon.

Suze said...

You should go and see your doctor, it sounds like you could be suffering from stress, depression or hormonal problems.

They will probably do tests before advising you to take any meds. For sure you can't keep like you are.

Take care.

Girl*Next*Door said...

Dickiebo & PC SW, I don't drink alot of coffee at all so it isn't that, used to but cut down loads :o)

Annette & TRTMH, it's not like I feel like it all the time, it just happens sometimes but for some reason the past few times it's happened have been alot worse, have booked an appointment with doctor because I don't want it getting worse, feel better again now but don't want it to keep happening.

thoughts running through my head.... said...

I do know that feeling GND,its like your mind is trying not to let you stop and think,but you have to be careful cos it can run you down.