16 July 2007

I am Raging

In fact, so seething bloody mad I could easily bite someone's head off if they so much as looked at me the wrong way & let go a torrent of abuse, including the C word, that might be a better description.
I got some post this morning & in amongst the usual bank statement/would you like a credit card/buy this product & your life will be perfect crap was a hand written addressed envelope, I will admit I got a little excited as handwritten post is usually good & makes you smile, well this one wasn't like that I wished I'd just launched it straight into the bin & carried on with my day but I didn't, I made the mistake of sitting down & reading it. It was from my father & after a few cursory words asking how I am, asked in the way somebody who couldn't give a flying fuck asks you how you are he carried on to ask me could I lend him some money. Not a paltry amount like £20, not even a £100 but £200. You may think reading this that I am over reacting & being unfairly harsh until I say the last time he could be arsed to get in touch was at least 8 months ago, possibly a year & only then because I phoned him to ask why, when he found out I was in University College Hospital London on a spinal board & in a neck brace with strongly suspected spinal & neck damage & possible damage to my facial structure because of an accident that involved me being dropped onto my head in the road from the shoulder of a 6ft man who was giving me a fireman's lift (not the most sensible for me to have done I know) he never called once to find out how I was. I was in hospital for about 4 weeks, 1 week of those on a spinal board & the rest in a neck brace. Despite having 5 contact numbers (hospital/friends/mother/my mobile/older brother) he didn't call anybody once, he knew how serious the situation was because both my mother & brother had phoned him to tell him what had happened. I didn't speak to him until 6 weeks after I'd got out of hospital, the reason it was so long was to see if he would call & ask anything or show the slightest concern for the person who is supposed to be his child, his daughter. Even to see if he'd written. Nothing arrived & there was no phonecall so I phoned him asking why, why he hadn't bothered to find out if I was out of hospital, if I did have spine or neck damage or whether I was ok or not & his excuse? "It costs too much to phone England from a mobile in Spain & the phone box is in the next village (a 30 minute bus ride away) anyway, if anything had been that wrong with you I'd have found out by now so what's your problem?" Oh, sorry, I thought you might have wanted to know, I thought being as I was your daughter you might be worried, concerned for me & how I am but of course not, because you never gave & still don't give, a toss about my boyfriends do you? You're so fucking disinterested in my life you can't remember the day I was born & think at this moment that I am 20, when in fact I'm 2 months away from being 22. I'm so important to you you forgot my 21st birthday but thought a simple "sorry" excused all of that. "Sorry" excuses not keeping an appointment, sorry excuses being late, sorry excuses forgetting something on the shopping list, it doesn't excuse forgetting about your daughter & not giving a fuck about how she's getting on in life. Oh. & the reason he wants the £200 won't be for rent it won't be for bills & it won't be for food, it will be for the latest bottle of cheap gin/sherry/whisky/nail varnish remover/paint stripper, mind you, he's broadening his horizons as Special Brew & Stella appear on his list now apparently. He's been in touch with me probably a maximum of a dozen times in the past 3 years. I thought when children, daughters especially moved out of home & spread their wings that their fathers were supposed to make sure they were eating properly, not mixing with the wrong crowd, staying away from the bad boys & not drinking too much, obviously not all are like that. My hands are shaking as I'm writing this, I am so angry, why do I let him get under my skin like this? Why do I constantly expect him to change? Why do I expect what is never going to be there? What hasn't been there for the past 6 years. Why do I expect him to be my dad? He might be my father but he will never be my dad, he won't be the one giving me away when I walk down the aisle, he won't be the one casting a critical eye over my latest boyfriend & giving him "the talk", so why after all that do I expect him to write me a letter just asking how I am? Why do I expect him to show a genuine interest in me when he only gets in touch to ask for money? Why do I still want just a genuine interest in me when I know that will never happen? I'm 21, I don't need him to get through life & I don't need his approval or interest in it, I don't need it at all but it doesn't stop me wanting it. A friend of mine is into music & listens to lots of weird & wonderful stuff & these few lines jumped out at me from one particular song & they struck a chord, a big one.

"Your daughter would also like to, once again just be called a princess by you. She cried so hard that she couldn't breathe, but you didn't even know, and if you did, you were too involved in yourself to show. Daddy dearest, you weren't there, when she cried to you. So long, no good-byes from you, did I hear at all. Why can't I forget?"


Ing said...

In that case, if he's been like that... Letter? What letter?

Roses said...

As the daughter of a complete-waste-of-fucking time father I completely relate to your post.

Your anger is your recognition that he's not following his job description. Parents come with those. Expectations of how they are supposed to look after their children. Duty of care.

It's difficult to give up those expectations, because they're so ingrained. The problem is it drives you nuts.

We're here for you sweetie. Feel free to rant and rave. Because it isn't fair. For what it's worth, my dad turned into a human being 3 years ago. The contact we do have, I really cherish.

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

Oh GND. What Roses said in her last paragraph. Rant all you like cos we're all here for you. What song is that that you have quoted at the end? It gave me proper goosebumps! Because he is your dad you just cant help yourself wondering if he will change. Anyone else, friends etc, you would have dropped years ago and now wouldnt even think about them, but he is family so therefore you will always *hope*. Big hugs sweetie. XXXX

thoughts running through my head.... said...

It wont make you feel any better to hear this but not all Dads do their 'job'.Some are shitbags and some are clueless and uninterested.My Dad was so uninterested in me until about 5 years ago,and its a shock to grow up and you realise that parents dont always know best and are sometimes downright cruel or uncaring,you dont have to have him in your life,you can chose that at least and make your own family of people who are worth knowing.Its not fair,especially when people say you can be judged by your family (rubbish) or think theres something wrong with YOU for not having the traditional happy family unit,but they dont know any better and dont realise how lucky they are.
Get rid of anyone who makes you unhappy,regardless of who they are.x

SandDancer said...

I don't really have anything to add to the excellent comments already made, other than to say that you are worth so much more than this. You have ever right to be angry and rant away at us in cyberspace.

Girl*Next*Door said...

Thanks for all the lovely comments :)
I just needed to get it out of my system & writing it all down is great for doing that.

Roses you hit the nail on the head completely. It's the fact he should be there but isn't & even worse, doesn't care that he isn't.

Girl the song is 'Daddy Dearest' by Dogwood. It's by an American punky type band, you'll find them on Myspace.
I'm past hoping with him, I accepted he won't be changing a years ago it just angers me how I'm ok for money but nothing else. xx

TRTMH I completely agree & can see exactly what you mean I just couldn't believe it when he wrote asking what he did, not for any other reason. As I said I haven't been in touch with him for a while, every time I spoke to him I ended up in tears & upset/angry so it just isn't worth it. I have a fantastic mum & she makes up for what he's refused to do.
I know what you mean about others not realising how lucky they are too, I wish they could just see rather than constantly moan! Thanks for the comment xx

Everyone else, thanks :)

J Morgetron said...

Daddy issues are the toughest. I've got 'em too, but for different reasons. Just know that you are not alone. I know I'm a stranger, but I found you via Dickiebo's site. Writing about it sure does make one feel better though, eh? Especially publicly!