18 September 2007

Health Hazard

Ahhhh, bliss. I have the whole house to myself for two whole weeks, God it's so good. It's quiet, there's no queue for the shower or bath, no Barbie dolls planted on the stairs to either trip you up or down them, no Lego bricks to stand on when you're half asleep still, rendering you a hopping, swearing, teary eyed wreck. Actually going to the fridge & the food you put there yesterday is still there this evening, God it's sheer luxury. I might even get the locks changed before everyone comes back & claim squatters rights! Lol*

The only tiny drawback to all this is the food thing....
In my attempts at cooking in the past I've killed two toasters, murdered the microwave & severely damaged a saucepan.

The first fatality was when I didn't check the setting on the toaster, put the toast in & left it. I soon came back when the smoke alarm went off. Some muppet had turned the setting to high, the toast was black through & the toaster didn't look all that healthy either so it was bin for the both of them.
Second fatality was because I cut the bread too thick, it got jammed.
I tried the grill for toast after that but despite my best attempts at timing etc I still managed to set light to it.
The microwave incident is not all that good either, I love custard, not sure why I just do so decided that I'd make some but put it in the microwave. I followed the directions to the letter & made sure it was a microwave proof bowl. Despite that it still went wrong. I put it in, checked the time & was about to go & stir it when I heard a very loud bang, the bowl & custard had exploded in the microwave cracking the glass on the door in the process. Very gingerly I opened the door & was greeted with custard hanging from the top of the microwave & splatted all over the inside, it had only been in there for about two minutes!
I baked some shortbread once, following everything precisely & when it came out & I couldn't break it I got my brother to try.... I'm not joking when I say he had to take a hammer & chisel to it, even the horses wouldn't touch it!
I've also done spag boil where it somehow melded itself to the saucepan, complete with spoon stuck out of it. The lot had to be binned because it was like concrete.

It's fair to say I'm dangerous in the kitchen, things just seem to happen no matter how careful I am, including fingers being burned, nearly chopped off & grated. No matter how hard I try or how careful I am it ends up being a complete disaster.

These next few weeks I can see myself becoming very friendly with the local pizza shop or scrounging round my brother & nan to go round theirs for dinner
Having said all that I'm brilliant at prawns, cous-cous & mushrooms. Oh, & scrambled egg. Not a great diet for two weeks really, maybe I'll vary it with sandwiches!

If I don't post for a week or two then it's likely I've either burnt the place down or bled to death through severed fingers/hands.

A domestic Goddess I am not....!

*Almost forgot, I can also dance like an A** muppet to the radio without being caught & laughed at, or filmed on a sodding camera phone without realising it!


PC South West said...

It must be party time soon then! I am sure we can sort the food out if you get the drinks.

cogidubnus said...


Girl*Next*Door said...

PCSW yes, it is! Birthday night out got cancelled so having a party instead....

Cogidubnus I can laugh now but it wasn't funny at the time!