He has been working like a demon lately & consequently we haven't had much time together so last weekend, he booked a surprise weekend away. It is the nicest thing a boyfriend has ever done & I was really surprised but really happy, it was the effort he'd gone to that made it special & it was just lovely.
When I say serious I don't mean that it's been a fling all the while now but it's crossed the line into something a little bit more. I'm glad it's happened but I feel unnerved a bit, not because I don't want it to be like it is but because it means I can't keep being so guarded & keeping him at arms length sometimes.
It means I can't cover up problems or hurt with humour & a clowns face, or laugh them off & reverse the question, nor change the subject or pretend to be busy or go & do something that needs my attention right now. Because he knows my tactics & I feel like a little bit of my shield has been broken away & it isn't a bad feeling but it's a vulnerable one.
Like when you're stood on the top diving board & you really want to let go & you know you have to jump but you can't quite make yourself because there is something holding you back. You can either stay there & let it become harder or you can jump & take the risk of a smooth dive that makes you soar inside or one that smacks the air out of you & makes you never want to do it again.
It is so much easier to keep things to myself & separate for me to deal with than to let somebody get close enough to share the weight. So much easier to cover things up with humour & sarcasm or brush them away that it's a habit & it means I can push them to the back of my mind for that little bit longer. So much easier to sort everyone else out & make sure they're ok & have everything they need because it means I don't have to sort out what I feel.
It takes a while for me to trust somebody but even longer to let them get properly close, really & truly to let myself go. It's happened once, a few years ago & maybe at the time I shouldn't have been seeing anyone because the whole situation I was in just wasn't ideal. But it still didn't give him the right to completely take advantage of the whole situation & of me.
I know he's not like that but still I don't quite dare to take the jump because it's too far to fall & I don't feel that brave yet.
& in hindsight, maybe the lyrics of that last song I posted say more than I'll admit.