1 December 2007

Comfort Zone

As in, I'm slightly out of it. For something that was just supposed to be a bit of fun things have taken a small step in the serious direction for me & Mr. S.

He has been working like a demon lately & consequently we haven't had much time together so last weekend, he booked a surprise weekend away. It is the nicest thing a boyfriend has ever done & I was really surprised but really happy, it was the effort he'd gone to that made it special & it was just lovely.

When I say serious I don't mean that it's been a fling all the while now but it's crossed the line into something a little bit more. I'm glad it's happened but I feel unnerved a bit, not because I don't want it to be like it is but because it means I can't keep being so guarded & keeping him at arms length sometimes.
It means I can't cover up problems or hurt with humour & a clowns face, or laugh them off & reverse the question, nor change the subject or pretend to be busy or go & do something that needs my attention right now. Because he knows my tactics & I feel like a little bit of my shield has been broken away & it isn't a bad feeling but it's a vulnerable one.

Like when you're stood on the top diving board & you really want to let go & you know you have to jump but you can't quite make yourself because there is something holding you back. You can either stay there & let it become harder or you can jump & take the risk of a smooth dive that makes you soar inside or one that smacks the air out of you & makes you never want to do it again.

It is so much easier to keep things to myself & separate for me to deal with than to let somebody get close enough to share the weight. So much easier to cover things up with humour & sarcasm or brush them away that it's a habit & it means I can push them to the back of my mind for that little bit longer. So much easier to sort everyone else out & make sure they're ok & have everything they need because it means I don't have to sort out what I feel.

It takes a while for me to trust somebody but even longer to let them get properly close, really & truly to let myself go. It's happened once, a few years ago & maybe at the time I shouldn't have been seeing anyone because the whole situation I was in just wasn't ideal. But it still didn't give him the right to completely take advantage of the whole situation & of me.

I know he's not like that but still I don't quite dare to take the jump because it's too far to fall & I don't feel that brave yet.

& in hindsight, maybe the lyrics of that last song I posted say more than I'll admit.


thoughts running through my head.... said...

try and make the leap,you need to do that to allow the relationship to grow,take it from me-older but not always wiser!!!

Emma said...

Go on GND jump, you will never know unless you do..xx

cogidubnus said...

I won't say yay or nay ... but you are quite right to be thoughtful ... wish I'd been rather more so, my first time round, but then that's the way we learn...

But thereagain, as the previous two commenters say, every major step in life is something of a leap in faith... and if we didn't make such leaps then we'd never go anywhere worthwhile...

There are no safe answers so assess the odds on a safe landing then leap or pull back... but I wouldn't just sit and do nothing...