27 June 2008

Even Keel




I'm starting to feel more like my old self. Been feeling a bit down lately & I think that is a combination of physical & mental strain. I no longer quite feel as if it's all going to come crashing down around me or that I'm going to burst into tears at any moment (thank goodness I'm not a hormonal harpie*, I couldn't cope with the emotion!) It takes far more energy to be miserable than it does to grin & bare it, at least that's what it feels like.

Still on good terms with Mr. S which is good. He's a great guy & we get on well. We're both adults & it's silly to have bitterness & fall outs over something that was great for both of us.
He has a new girlfriend. Which I will be honest, made me stop & think but I do know it was the right thing to do ending it with him. He's much too nice to be messed around & if things were reversed, I'd hate to be strung along.
I also didn't want the guilt of feeling like I was emotionally betraying him, in a way that's worse than physical betrayal & it just isn't right.
He really deserves somebody lovely.

I'm of the mindset now that I will be young, free & single & enjoy the Summer. I need to get myself back on track & if, come September things are still no clearer when I see J then I think we will both need to sit down & have a good talk. I can't keep dwelling on it as it is pulling me down at times. What will be will be.

There is so much to focus on, a job, moving out, take another look at the police app. get riding again, learn to drive. I need to persuade someone. My step dad & my brother are convinced my hand/eye co-ordination is short circuiting somewhere.My failure to get to grips with everything around me once I'm in a car is equally as faulty.
Horses are so much easier!
I can cope with them, I can anticipate what they are likely to do in a given situation & have a reasonable confidence that they will listen to me & take notice of my intentions.
I can't say I have so much confidence in the eejits on the road who somehow passed their driving test.....
It also doesn't help when both brother & step dad pass the remark that I may need a booster seat. For some reason they find their humour astoundingly funny...!

Life is really not that bad, it could be one hell of a lot worse that's for sure. Since the near miss in hospital back in January I've sort of felt like I've been on a tightrope. My sleeping patterns are testament to that as they've been all over the place again.
I'm really not the type to get down or feel sorry for myself but it's been a bit of a struggle the past month/six weeks & today it seems to have lifted & I've got that positive feeling back.

I've missed it.


2 comments:

RandomPinkness said...

Glad to hear you're feeling better my dear, enjoy the rest of summer, all three days of it that'll we'll get!

cogidubnus said...

I'm in my fifties and failed the driving test twice - appallingly bad hand/eye co-ordination was a good part of it...sure loads of career options have been shut to me, but it's been (and continues to be) a bloody GOOD and rewarding life...

Fruitful too...two marriages, five kids and a grandchild so far...don't be too down eh?