25 June 2008

Matters of the Heart

I suppose this will go some way to explaining the large lack of posting of late & also because I just want to get it out of my system a bit.

I ended things with Mr. S in early April. He didn't take it too well. He was moving to Cardiff for a job at the end of April anyway & of course, wondered if it was that & I was worrying about a long distance thing, I just stopped feeling the same. And it hit me coming to the realisation that I've never really & truly got over, what I guess you would call, my first love.

I met him nearly 4ish years ago. I'd just moved to London after leaving home because of the desperate way things had got with my parents & because of that, getting involved with someone who wasn't suitable & ending up in a mentally abusive relationship, convinced that I loved him but looking back, it wasn't like that at all. It was more wanting an escape from home & going about it the wrong way with the wrong person so I broke that off & bolted. Got to London, started at college, kept my head down & didn't get involved with many people at all. I wanted to forget about home & all it entailed & make a clean break. And looking back, I was in a mess. Going out drinking nearly every night, getting drunk more often than not & not eating properly, pretending I was having the time of my life but inside I was breaking up. In turmoil over what I knew was going on at home or what might be happening that I wasn't aware of. Still getting over a horrible relationship & not very trusting because of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'd have fun & I was happy but after a night out, I'd come home & cry because everything would come to the surface. My ways of dealing with things were college, work & going out after both so I had my mind constantly occupied. Dropping to just under six stone, eating just about enough when I felt like it & living off black coffee & alcohol was the general thing.

I got friendly with a girl at college & we became good mates, she was a few years older than me but I've always been quite mature for my age so we got on. We used to go out together of a nighttime & because she was from Brighton & we were in London, her older brother would sometimes come up & a couple of times, would bring a mate of his & they'd sometimes stay for a weekend somewhere, go out with us of an evening & just have a break I suppose or they'd just come up for the night out & get the train home. Me & her brothers' friend got on well & spent most of the time he was there talking & just getting on. Although there was a largish age gap we became friends & he'd make sure I was ok.
Come up for the odd few hours of an evening when he was free, call me up etc. He got me back on my feet & more or less stopped me going down the path of self destruction.

After a few months it became obvious that we both looked upon each other as more than friends & started a relationship. And for nearly a year it was the best thing I'd known, I had somebody who was there for me completely & totally, who understood me, who had the same quirks & the same mad moments I'm prone to.

And as things do in relationships, things got more serious. And it might have been ok but he had two children. I knew very well they came as part of the deal but I also knew I was much too young for that sort of responsibility, so I finished things. I really didn't want to but I knew I was just too young for the responsibility of somebody else's children. And it's not like he didn't give me the choice, he never placed any sort of pressure on me at all. I could handle the pressure his job put on him & the shifts & the limitations on seeing each other sometimes.

And we've stayed great friends ever since, he's the one person above all others I'll go to about a problem. Even above A.
He's always, always been there for me & I know that if I needed to speak to him, it wouldn't matter what time of the day or night it was, I know he would be there. I know because I've done it a few times & those times I really have needed him he's been there without fail.
We never go longer than a few days without contact of some sort, be it text or 'phonecall or whatever.

We've never had even a cross word let alone an argument. And I know sometimes I am not the easiest person!

And although I've never, ever cheated in a relationship, I'm fully aware he shouldn't be in the shadows of each relationship bar one that I've had since. I shouldn't be making out in one or two that I've had less contact with him than was strictly true.
I shouldn't be concealing just how much I do feel for him, I've always made it clear that he is a very good friend & always will be but I'm not sure that there hasn't always been underlying things.

None of this has been to do with ending things with Mr. S, this has been there from the day things ended with J so it has nothing to do with being newly single etc.
I know for a fact he hasn't had a steady relationship since.

I am confused. I'm confused because I don't know what it is that has been underlying, I don't know why he has been in the back of my mind in nearly every single relationship, I don't know what it is that makes me gel so well with him. I don't know with absolute certainty what I feel for him.
And although I'm not going into it here, there is enough for me to know it isn't one way.

Why are feelings & emotions so complicated?
Wouldn't it be great if they came in little packages, appropriately marked for each emotion & with a lifetime guarantee. So much simpler.


brown eyed girl said...

I can really relate to your post, I really feel for you today.

We can't change how we feel inside.
You did the right thing in being honest with yourself and ending the relationship.

Ive always believed if somethings meant to be it will happen..

Do we ever really know how to feel? confusion, frustration, things we want to say .. but cant.

Its part of feeling alive and emotions are the hardest but also the most rewarding of it all.

I love the idea of emotions coming in little packages, it would all be so much simpler then...

Where ever life takes you, as long as you are being true to yourself you wont go far wrong..

We should open a website selling little boxed emotions? lol
we could just send whoever it was we wanted to understand us, a box of what we were feeling like that day..
It may just help people understand each other better..lol

Stay sunny GND im sure things will work out ok..xx

RandomPinkness said...

Hmmmm, I hate stuff like this, I know what you mean about emotions though,it's so hard to express what you're are feeling for someone there's far too much to other stuff going on, and how do they feel, and you're not quite sure how you feel. It's not a fun place to be in, but hopefully everything will turn out ok, maybe you need to see more, or less, of this chap, to try and get your feelings sorted. *hugs*