29 June 2008

Meme, me!



After taking a look at Posh Tottys' blog then I thought I'd copy the Meme she has done. I was feeling slightly bored & it was a pleasant killer of time :o)
I won't be held responsible if you reach the end to find yourself waking up with a start some time later after being bored to sleep though..... ;o)


Do you currently have a hickey? No! Never liked them & always thought they looked a bit cheap.... The first & last time I had one I was rather mortified!


Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone? My Nan.


What was the last thing someone said to you in person? My 17yr old sister coming into my room just now, idly going through my wardrobe & asking if she can borrow a cami top, a shrug/cardi & a skirt for tomorrow. I should start charging them both & just hire my clothes out to them!


What was your worst subject in school? Maths. Hated it, partly because I'm rubbish at it & partly because I'm a hands on type of person rather than the academic thinking type.


What's your favourite Hannah Montana song? On account of me not being 10 then I really couldn't tell you.


What is the best eye colours on a member of the opposite sex? Oooooh, what a question. Can't pick one because there are three colours that I think are lovely; Turquoise-y blue, not icy blue or anything like that but really deep blue eyes. Chocolate brown eyes or green eyes.
You can tell I like eyes in a man can't you?!


Who is the fifth text in your inbox from & what does it say? I must confess, I am really bad at deleting messages & replying to them straight away in some cases. Not saying who from, because you wouldn't know them anyway! But it says; "Hallo l'il one. How's you? Hope you're on the mend honeybun. Thinking of you. Hugs X X"


What's your favourite number? Number 7.


What was the last movie you watched? Wimbledon. It was on TV earlier & the ending made me cry. Plus it had James Mcavoy & Paul Bettany in, perfect eye candy ;o)
And strangely, Paul Bettany is rather similar to an ex of mine in looks. Scarily so in some mannerisms & physical features.


Do you have a Facebook? I do. But I don't use it much at all.


What are your initials? GND...... Of course ;o)


Are you a good speller? Yes, I think I'm pretty good at spelling but I know punctuation is not my strong point. (this question made me paranoid in case there's any blinding grammatical/punctuation errors!)


What song are you currently listening to? Texas - Guitar Song. And Texas - Halo (just come on). Love them both


Would you ever give your number out over the Internet? Yes. I have done to three members of a forum I use. I'm 100% certain they aren't raving lunatics, I think.... ;o)
Wouldn't do it to just anyone though. I'm careful of who I give my number to.


How many and what kind of animals are in your house? Seven in total. Two Cockatiels. Four rats & one cat.


What would you say if your ex got enagaged today? I would be shocked & I might have a quick think about it but I'd congratulate him & wish him well.


When is the last time you took a nap? Earlier this evening. I was reading & just dropped off for half an hour.


Are your nails painted? No.... I bite them & they are looking horrendous. It's a habit I've had for seventeen years & it's proving very hard to break. Even I'm sick of chewed nails now though so really working to grow them out.


Would you ever stay with someone, just because you didn't want to
hurt them by breaking up with them?
Absolutely not. It wouldn't be fair, if you didn't end it & be honest with yourself & them then your attitude will change & you'll end up full of resentment towards them because you're in a relationship you don't want to be in. I can't see that as being less hurtful at all. I would think long & hard about ending things, to make absolutely sure it was the right decision though.


Could you date someone taller than you? Easily. Seeing as I'm just about 5ft then it's rather rare to come across any man shorter than me, unless they are about 6!
I do like taller than average men though for some reason. Preferred height being 6ft +. Strange.


What's the most interesting thing that happened to you today? Hmmm, not sure you'd class it as interesting but being creative with my clothes. Can't afford a shopping spree at the moment so went through it all & worked out a few new combinations of things. I have tons of clothes so it was good fun with my sister helping (& threatening to steal half of my wardrobe because she has the same taste as me. Luckily, biggest part of it is too small for her. Hehe)


Are you single? Yes. Still getting used to it, still confused & still wishing things weren't so complicated. But as the saying goes, if it's meant to be, it will be.


What is the highlight of your week? Weekends. It's busy at home & generally pretty relaxed.


What is the one emotion you are feeling right now? Confusion/uncertainty.


Who did you hang out with yesterday? Not 'hang out' exactly. Spent all day at home so spent it mainly with my one sister, A. (17 year old) When she's not in a strop we get on amazingly well for sisters.


What are you currently doing? Listening to Texas - Greatest Hits & doing this.


Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes, but only in a matey way. :o(


Any plans for today? Yes, tidy my bombsite of a room. I really need to start being tidier & not leaving things where they were taken off/put down


What is the last thing you ate? A banana. Supposed to help with getting you off to sleep at bedtime, apparently.


Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Yes. There are a few, my brothers, my step-dad & two of my friends, one in particular who has been a fantastic friend over the last few years. And although we aren't together anymore, Mr. S. He'll always be special to me.


Are you a generally clean or messy person? I'm clean but I am untidy. Conflicts greatly with the Virgo stereotype it seems.


Do you find the opposite sex confusing? Yes, very confusing sometimes. But out of my 3 best friends, real friends, two are male & in my wider circle of friends, about 90% of them are male. Definitely get on better with men than women.


When was the last time you cried? Erm, properly cried? A few days ago. Went to bed & just cried, over Mr. S, somebody else & the confusion it reigned.


Do you wish you were with someone right now? In a relationship way? Erm, yes. But I'm not sure how deep the feelings run so that's why I've not said anything.


Are you gonna be home alone tonight? No. It's impossible to be alone with six other people in the house.


Anything you wish you could tell someone but can't? Yes.


What is one thing you can't wait for? Moving out of home. I'm really missing my independence & although my mum & step-dad are fair, my mum can suffer with horrible moods. And her bad moods (when she gets them) can be absolutely horrible. Not because she is in a 'bad' mood as such but more that the day hasn't gone her way & what she says. There are some things even I find difficult to forgive & forget & it has caused a distance between us unfortunately. This goes back 18 months or so now & as great as she is, what she said cut very, very deep, especially as it isn't true but her opinion of me. Turns out it's rather a low one so I now don't confide in her about anything. The last time I did open up to her, the confidence got thrown back in my face a few weeks later. It's not the first time it's happened but it was the worst thing that she has ever said. I think it hurt more because A. She could actually think that of me & have that low an opinion of me. B. I'd gone to her with something I needed to speak about & I trusted her to listen & C. It was the way in which it was said & the tone, & the look on her face as she said it.

It's now got to the point where I'm happier in my room than I am spending time with her sometimes.
My worst habit mood wise is to be withdrawn & quiet if I don't feel well/upset/tired. So although I can appear aloof that is all it is. I hate confrontation or arguments so I'd rather talk it out or forget about it.
The way my mum is sometimes is really pushing me away & I'm finding it more & more difficult to forgive what she says each time she says something unkind & not at all called for.


Do you only drink bottled water? Yes. Or filtered because Gloucestershire tap water is something to be tasted to be believed if you drink it on it' own. Not nice.


If you could go back in time and change something, what would it be? To have a friendship back to how it was, rather than what it is now. It's not a bad friendship by any means, just different in a slightly worse way than before.


What are you thinking about right now? That my bed is looking hugely appealing, my boxer shorts & vest pj's are incredibly comfy & that I am quite sleepy in a chilled sort of way. It's a nice feeling :o) I just need the cuddles to go with it! Lol.




So there you go. Hopefully you're still awake after reading that, seeing as the answers are a lot longer than they are supposed to be!
I won't tag anyone but feel free to copy & post.




27 June 2008

Kittens!



Somebody I know took in these five kittens not long ago I found out the other night. His sister keeps her horse up at the Gatcombe Estate & they were found in the hedge, the men who keep an eye on things up there were going to set the dogs on them....!!! *stunned & sickened*
so he bundled them up & bought them home with him. What a sweet thing to do, poor little things coming to an end like they very nearly did.
(And if there are any trolls lurking, please don't bring up the fox hunting argument. Foxes are vermin & the intricacies are completely different)

Three have already got homes & he is keeping two as far as I'm aware.


And as I'm sure most men will agree, he was in the enviable position of having five pussies to play with each day!


(Sorry. It was just too easy *blush*) ;o)

Even Keel




I'm starting to feel more like my old self. Been feeling a bit down lately & I think that is a combination of physical & mental strain. I no longer quite feel as if it's all going to come crashing down around me or that I'm going to burst into tears at any moment (thank goodness I'm not a hormonal harpie*, I couldn't cope with the emotion!) It takes far more energy to be miserable than it does to grin & bare it, at least that's what it feels like.

Still on good terms with Mr. S which is good. He's a great guy & we get on well. We're both adults & it's silly to have bitterness & fall outs over something that was great for both of us.
He has a new girlfriend. Which I will be honest, made me stop & think but I do know it was the right thing to do ending it with him. He's much too nice to be messed around & if things were reversed, I'd hate to be strung along.
I also didn't want the guilt of feeling like I was emotionally betraying him, in a way that's worse than physical betrayal & it just isn't right.
He really deserves somebody lovely.

I'm of the mindset now that I will be young, free & single & enjoy the Summer. I need to get myself back on track & if, come September things are still no clearer when I see J then I think we will both need to sit down & have a good talk. I can't keep dwelling on it as it is pulling me down at times. What will be will be.

There is so much to focus on, a job, moving out, take another look at the police app. get riding again, learn to drive. I need to persuade someone. My step dad & my brother are convinced my hand/eye co-ordination is short circuiting somewhere.My failure to get to grips with everything around me once I'm in a car is equally as faulty.
Horses are so much easier!
I can cope with them, I can anticipate what they are likely to do in a given situation & have a reasonable confidence that they will listen to me & take notice of my intentions.
I can't say I have so much confidence in the eejits on the road who somehow passed their driving test.....
It also doesn't help when both brother & step dad pass the remark that I may need a booster seat. For some reason they find their humour astoundingly funny...!

Life is really not that bad, it could be one hell of a lot worse that's for sure. Since the near miss in hospital back in January I've sort of felt like I've been on a tightrope. My sleeping patterns are testament to that as they've been all over the place again.
I'm really not the type to get down or feel sorry for myself but it's been a bit of a struggle the past month/six weeks & today it seems to have lifted & I've got that positive feeling back.

I've missed it.


25 June 2008

Matters of the Heart



I suppose this will go some way to explaining the large lack of posting of late & also because I just want to get it out of my system a bit.

I ended things with Mr. S in early April. He didn't take it too well. He was moving to Cardiff for a job at the end of April anyway & of course, wondered if it was that & I was worrying about a long distance thing, I just stopped feeling the same. And it hit me coming to the realisation that I've never really & truly got over, what I guess you would call, my first love.



I met him nearly 4ish years ago. I'd just moved to London after leaving home because of the desperate way things had got with my parents & because of that, getting involved with someone who wasn't suitable & ending up in a mentally abusive relationship, convinced that I loved him but looking back, it wasn't like that at all. It was more wanting an escape from home & going about it the wrong way with the wrong person so I broke that off & bolted. Got to London, started at college, kept my head down & didn't get involved with many people at all. I wanted to forget about home & all it entailed & make a clean break. And looking back, I was in a mess. Going out drinking nearly every night, getting drunk more often than not & not eating properly, pretending I was having the time of my life but inside I was breaking up. In turmoil over what I knew was going on at home or what might be happening that I wasn't aware of. Still getting over a horrible relationship & not very trusting because of it.

Don't get me wrong, I'd have fun & I was happy but after a night out, I'd come home & cry because everything would come to the surface. My ways of dealing with things were college, work & going out after both so I had my mind constantly occupied. Dropping to just under six stone, eating just about enough when I felt like it & living off black coffee & alcohol was the general thing.

I got friendly with a girl at college & we became good mates, she was a few years older than me but I've always been quite mature for my age so we got on. We used to go out together of a nighttime & because she was from Brighton & we were in London, her older brother would sometimes come up & a couple of times, would bring a mate of his & they'd sometimes stay for a weekend somewhere, go out with us of an evening & just have a break I suppose or they'd just come up for the night out & get the train home. Me & her brothers' friend got on well & spent most of the time he was there talking & just getting on. Although there was a largish age gap we became friends & he'd make sure I was ok.
Come up for the odd few hours of an evening when he was free, call me up etc. He got me back on my feet & more or less stopped me going down the path of self destruction.

After a few months it became obvious that we both looked upon each other as more than friends & started a relationship. And for nearly a year it was the best thing I'd known, I had somebody who was there for me completely & totally, who understood me, who had the same quirks & the same mad moments I'm prone to.

And as things do in relationships, things got more serious. And it might have been ok but he had two children. I knew very well they came as part of the deal but I also knew I was much too young for that sort of responsibility, so I finished things. I really didn't want to but I knew I was just too young for the responsibility of somebody else's children. And it's not like he didn't give me the choice, he never placed any sort of pressure on me at all. I could handle the pressure his job put on him & the shifts & the limitations on seeing each other sometimes.

And we've stayed great friends ever since, he's the one person above all others I'll go to about a problem. Even above A.
He's always, always been there for me & I know that if I needed to speak to him, it wouldn't matter what time of the day or night it was, I know he would be there. I know because I've done it a few times & those times I really have needed him he's been there without fail.
We never go longer than a few days without contact of some sort, be it text or 'phonecall or whatever.

We've never had even a cross word let alone an argument. And I know sometimes I am not the easiest person!

And although I've never, ever cheated in a relationship, I'm fully aware he shouldn't be in the shadows of each relationship bar one that I've had since. I shouldn't be making out in one or two that I've had less contact with him than was strictly true.
I shouldn't be concealing just how much I do feel for him, I've always made it clear that he is a very good friend & always will be but I'm not sure that there hasn't always been underlying things.

None of this has been to do with ending things with Mr. S, this has been there from the day things ended with J so it has nothing to do with being newly single etc.
I know for a fact he hasn't had a steady relationship since.


I am confused. I'm confused because I don't know what it is that has been underlying, I don't know why he has been in the back of my mind in nearly every single relationship, I don't know what it is that makes me gel so well with him. I don't know with absolute certainty what I feel for him.
And although I'm not going into it here, there is enough for me to know it isn't one way.


Why are feelings & emotions so complicated?
Wouldn't it be great if they came in little packages, appropriately marked for each emotion & with a lifetime guarantee. So much simpler.




24 June 2008

Noise Pollution (?)

Knees are good. 'A' has gone home & the rabble are back. I have missed them but it was so nice to have the two weeks to myself!

All of a sudden the house has gone from quiet to full on noise. This is where my mp3 player comes in, I can drown it all out & zone out nearly completely (yes, I can be an unsociable little madam at times!)

Gracing my playlist at the moment are the following;

Peter Gabriel - Solsbury Hill


The Ting Tings - That's Not My Name


Coldplay - Viva La Vida (I will never stop loving Coldplay. Chris Martin is also rather easy on the eye, in a diferent sort of way.)


Dusty Springfield - Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow/Son Of a Preacher Man/I Only Want to be With You


Royworld - Dust


Mystery Jets - Two Doors Down


Robert Palmer - Addicted to Love


Coldplay - Violet Hill (I want the jacket Chris Martin is wearing in this video. I love it.)


Duffy - Warwick Avenue (Really like her voice. It's got that sort of smokiness about it. Really good.)


The Fratellis - Mistress Mabel (I don't like the image change. The Pop monster has got hold of them... The music doesn't sound like it did on their last album either. I still like it though!)


So, there you go. I'll be back with something more interesting next time. Maybe! Hopefully...

:o)


16 June 2008

True....

......... fun quiz for myspace profile and blog


It's nearly spot on. How strange.



15 June 2008

Wobbly Knees



Well, not so wobbly once the deed was done. Six days in hospital (was told ten/fourteen) I don't think so. Not with what they were feeding me & with the physios' tortorous smile to put up with each day...... Oh no. Was told I'd be on crutches for two weeks or so but was off those after a week. How are you supposed to get coffee when you're on crutches? It just wasn't working, better to run the gauntlet & go crutch free than make said coffee & think "Fuck. Now what do I do?!" ;o).


I am still staring longingly at my heels & even more longingly at my riding boots but was told totally, categorically & absolutely by the surgeon not to set foot in a stirrup until his or the physios' say so. It's turning into a long wait.

Seeing as the rest of the rabble are enjoying the delights of France & I have the house to myself, then A (best friend in the whole wide world) is staying.
Thursday night was a celebratory night of all the good things over the past few weeks & after a bottle & half of Rose the world did indeed look rosier, as did our cheeks....

Topics of conversation included her new man, plans to hit the town once I can safely walk in high heels, our worrying taste in men...... Justin Lee Collins being one.... It's the humour, ok. It's the humour!
Whether or not my new neighbour is fit or not (fit was the opinion)

and a trip down memory lane of the past 6ish years & the various scrapes, embarrassments, tears, achievements & episodes punctuated by stomach aching giggles that you can only have with someone who has seen you at your best & worst & is still there to celebrate/pick up the pieces as required.

She truly is a mate in a million.

It isn't a gushing friendship & we can be in contact via the odd text only for a few weeks at a time but I know if I need her, she'll be there & likewise.
We constantly take the mickey out of each other & take great delight in it but I can honestly say she is the best friend I'll ever have.
Just don't tell her I said so! ;o)



Oh yes, we also decided that Rose wasn't officially wine & therefore one & a half bottles was acceptable. ;o)

xx