27 September 2008

PMT


PMT

Pre Menstrual Tension or Pre Meditated Torture?

I'm going with the latter.

Any man who decides either of my sisters are suitable marriage material, well, I'll take him to one side & warn him just what he is getting himself into because once every month he will be living in regret.

I don't see the point in PMT. The only way I get affected by PMT is crying at sad films/news stories/magazine articles (this is actually really bad because I've welled up in public while reading about a tragic story before now) or craving sugar.

My sisters sadly are moody mares.
The one is unbearably moody & the other is 11 & just moody. It can go from a perfectly sane & normal conversation, I ask a perfectly innocent question & get fired at with both barrels about how unreasonable I am, how stroppy I am (that is unbearable hypocrisy really!) & how I should stop being so nosy & various other unacceptable behaviour.
This was in relation to asking if the one sister had had a riding lesson at the yard, how well did it go & how was Chinook (one of the horses. Don't ask) doing?

Perfectly normal sociable conversation but oh no! All of a sudden I am the moody bag of the household!

I caught it in both ears last week. Little sister had spent 10 minutes in the downstairs loo applying lipgloss. On my knock & opening of the door to tell her to hurry up I got "*sigh* can't you wait one second or are you that impatient! Huh, anyone would think the world revolved around you!"
Whilst shutting my right ear to that I asked my other sister who was coming down the stairs, if she was taking the dog for a walk.

Answer - "Are you blind or something? Why do you think I've just put my trainers on. Or are you just stupid? I don't
wear my trainers unless I'm going out. Are you completely dumb? My answer - "Oh I don't know? To run away & live with the other tempestuous witch *nod towards loo*. You can verbally slag each other off face to face then. Let me know, I'll open a book on who survives the eyeball gouging & shin kicking in the best shape." *grin*

"Oh shut up. I'm taking the dog for a walk. *slams door*"

Meanwhile the youngest witch emerges from the loo throwing me dagger looks like I'm the one to be avoided!

And before anyone says that they can't help it, they can. Because they're as nice as pie with friends/grandmother/cousin etc etc.

They're just moody bags.

Then again, pointing this out to my one sister at a tack shop & saying she should maybe sprinkle it liberally on her cornflakes of a morning didn't go down exactly well...



Wendalls Herbs Moody Mare Mix


I am tempted to try it. My friend uses it for her mare as she is a cow when she is in season. My mare on the other hand is a complete slapper when she is in season & offers herself to anything with tail aloft, 'winking' & shrilly calls of invitation.

I don't like riding her when she's like that.
It's an embarrassment! Lol


Argh! Women!!!




26 September 2008

Zzzzzz



Blissful sleep hit me the other night.

I slept right through from 11.30pm to 7.30am, it was amazing.
I had no dreams, no nightmares & just had solid, restful sleep.

However, this was only achieved by surviving on 40 minutes sleep for the previous 24 hours.
Even I know that is not good.

That's barely a nap & yet I was fully functioning that day despite the lack of rest.


I have tried Nytol.
I have tried lavender.
I have tried Horlicks.

I have tried relaxing music.

I have tried only having one coffee a day in the morning.

I have tried reading.

I have tried everything & none of it works.

Even after taking two Nytol my brain didn't switch off & I just felt drugged the next morning. Partly from lack of sleep, partly from Nytol.


I am going to see the doctor if it doesn't stop within a week or my face will be haggard before I'm 25 at this rate & I will look like a witch!




21 September 2008

The Law of Murphy...




...strikes again! It is just typical. The one night out I had planned for a good few weeks & which I had organised with girls from the yard & a few other friends did not happen, well, it did but without me.

I plan it all in advance, get a good group of people up together & am solvent enough to afford a night out & guess what happens?!
I get struck down with the lurgy & spend part of the afternoon in bed & biggest part of the evening.

Not Fair!


Ah well, they all had a good time & I can always plan another night out. It will just be an even more belated birthday night out than it already was!

But all is not lost as I feel tons better today due to the rest yesterday & I am going up to the hills this afternoon.
I will admit, going up there is a love of mine & lately I haven't had the chance due to one thing & another to get up onto the hills.


Expect a post all about it, complete with pictures, later on :o)



17 September 2008

Kinky Boots



I have decided the time has come for me to sell my soul in return for a pair of the boots pictured below;




I would need to sell my soul for them because they are an eyewatering £225.00.....
Why oh why must I have such expensive taste?!


I think they'll end up as sale buys.
Lucky me for having silly sized small feet :o)


They are undoubtedly kinky boots but the questions are;

A. Right or wrong side of kinky? I'm wavering.

B. Is it possible to walk in five inch heels without breaking an ankle/knee/neck/all three?

C. Would Dutch Courage help or hamper that attempt?

On showing them to three friends, one thinks they are tart boots (cheers!) & the other two think I should get them if I have the chance as I would be able to carry them off.
It's the one saying tart boots & the other two saying I would be able to carry them off that concerns me....!


I'm still liking them a lot though.



12 September 2008

I Love...

....FairyGothMother.

Even more than Agent Provocateur who I don't think are as good.

So, when I win the lottery I am going to buy one of these;




One of these;





And one of these;



I really love this one. It's absolutely gorgeous.

And probably a few other things they sell, like matching skirts. So pretty & elegant that I wouldn't be able to resist.
At £200/£300 per corset it's as well that they're only obtainable after a lottery win though!



A somewhat cheerier post after the doom & gloom of late. It's been a bit difficult the past few weeks but I think I've pulled myself out of the 'low' I'd let myself get into.

And expect a knee update soon :o)


11 September 2008

The Cheek!

My teen sister had the audacity to call me stupid yesterday. I freely admit I am not the brightest bulb in the box on most occasions* but me not knowing a small detail about the hoover is nowhere near her thinking it is acceptable to clean the oven's shiny bits with furniture polish because we'd run out of oven cleaner so that all susequent food cooked in it tasted of lavendar fresh Pledge.

This was only realised when I started to eat & nearly choked because the chicken tasted rather floral... . I got accused of being fussy until everyone else tucked in. Sniggering doesn't even begin to cover it!




*Realising the Circle Line & Metropolitan line on the London Underground are distinct & seperate. Discovering the Circle line goes in a circle & the Metropolitan takes you out of London in the direction I was going, not in. I didn't figure this by reading the map at the tube station but by getting on the right train but in the wrong direction & ending up in Watford instead of the Barbican. You'd think I'd have realised at the next stop but no, it completely bypassed me & I only realised my mistake when I was too far out of London to get off it & go back (& by that point had definitely come to the conclusion it was safer to stay on the train than it was to stand alone on a platform), getting off the train & hearing the tannoy announce the last train going back into London was the one arriving in 1 minute on the opposite platform, making a mad run for it & faking a 'don't mess with me confidence' all the way back into Central London at nearly midnight & then having to walk from the tube to my digs.

As if that wasn't bad enough, in my haste to get onto the train I didn't bother looking for one that had more than two people in but got on a carriage that contained two men that seriously gave me the creeps. One who tried to convince me it was the other one's birthday & would I like a drink before the supposed birthday boy sitting next to me & asking if I'd get off at the next stop & go to a bar they knew. Also, how old was I? Do you know you're very pretty? Do you have a boyfriend? It could have been innocent but my cynical mind jumped into gear & I was bricking it inside but faking total confidence on the outside.

I figured the best way of appearing to at least have some idea of what I was doing & where I was going was to stride rather than linger, look ahead & hold eye contact with any dodgy types rather than look down & hurry.
And call a friend on my mobile explaining the situation & to call me back in 15 minutes. If he got no answer then to call the cavalry!

On the surface it was amusing but I was cursing myself inside for being so stupid. It was the only time I got lost in London full stop as I made sure where I was going from then on & not being so laid back as I had been at home in the back of beyond & knowing a person by name if they passed me on the street.

Birthday Surprise

It's my birthday today. I had a surprise yesterday (the 10th)

My dad actually bothered to 'phone me. To wish me happy birthday. It completely passed him by he'd got the wrong day.

He also said he'd sent me a card (it'll be the first time in five years I've got a card from him so I'm not holding my breath for it to arrive)

The proof was in the pudding so to speak because at the end of the conversation he decided to ask me a question.
The question being "By the way, how old are you?"

I don't know which is worse, the fact he actually called & got everything completely wrong or him not bothering full stop.

It's the first contact I've had in I don't know how long from him. Just as I get used & settled with him not being in touch, he calls. When I then expect him to call, he drops off the radar again.

He didn't bother when I was in hospital earlier this year, nor when I'd come out.

I was civil to him.
Nothing will change & nothing will sink in so what's the point in getting cross?


I don't know, I'm past the tears, past the anger, past the anger, past the frustration, past the hurt to a large extent.
I'm past being sad about it all really, I'm resigned to it & expect it of him & that really is sad.

I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know


He's upset me so much in the past & done so much harm that I can't forget it.

Sometimes, I really do think it's much better when people leave wounds alone & stop picking at the scab.






9 September 2008

They're At It Again

What is the point in them repaying a measly £1.00. Yes, £1.00. 'Them' being the Johnsons, who are very well known in this area for being at the bottom of anything from dodging bus fares at 6 (seriously) to raiding stately homes & burying the loot on local farmland.
I will admit the above two reports have confused me a little because it seems that whilst they were raiding stately homes they also had a nice little sideline in scrap metal too.

They're scum & they're all over the place here. Actually, I lie. They aren't all scum, one family member (of about 60) seems to have broken away & is actually doing quite well for himself.
They've even had a bloody documentary made about them!

My mum went to school with the Johnsons & I went to school with a few. Sonny being one of them, who wasn't actually too bad until he hit 8 or thereabouts but even so, was dodging bus fares, shoplifting & causing general mayhem by 10. My dad used to drink fairly regularly with a few (that says a lot about my dad by the way). Most parents teach their children to read & write, the Johnsons teach their offspring to lift anything that isn't nailed down & make a run for it.

Asking them to pay a pound is a joke of the highest degree. I mean honestly, is that really going to have any effect on a family that thieve & rob as much as they do? It's a family business, they're born into it, they grow up in it & when they come of age they carry on the fine tradition of being liars, thieves, vagabonds & rogues of the highest degree. I like the treatment for the rogues of old, except nobody in the South West of England would be stupid enough to employ a Johnson for fear of being stripped of all worldly goods in the blink of an eye.

It's all very well locking 5 of them up for metal thieving & stately home raiding but there'll be another 10 come out of the woodwork to replace the 5 that have been put away. It's a tried & tested method of theirs.
And I don't care what anyone says, they may have been sentenced to 49 years but we all know they won't serve it.

The only way you will stop the scourge of them is to load them onto a battleship, send it out to sea & either use them as shark bait or leave them to sort themselves out on an island far, far away.

What gets me, no matter what they've been up to, you still see them walking around town as bold as brass until there is enough evidence to nail them.

What's almost worse is they breed like bloody rabbits. They should all have the snip rendering them incapable of popping out any more rag ends to plague the county & surrounding areas.
They've never done me any harm & have always been friendly when I've seen them in town but even so, I wouldn't take my eye off any one of them.



*Grin*

Every time I listen to this song I can't help but smile. Despite being only four when it was released it's an all time favourite of mine, I don't know why but it is. I just love it.



And strangely, the lead singer is almost a complete double for my old farrier, scarily so. Except the farrier was a better looking version in my opinion ;o)

Breakaway

Actually, it's a break away but the spelling & meaning in the title seemed more apt. In exactly 2 weeks & 2 days I am going to London & staying with a friend for a few days. Mainly because we are seeing Kate Rusby perform but also just to get away from home for a short time because if I don't, I may just go slightly insane.

From previous experience I know this few days will contain certain amounts of Jack Daniels & a very large amount of giggles.

It's what I need at the moment.

The only question is, do I resist the urge to go clubbing in the Capital or do I give in & hit the town with a few friends? Choices, choices!

Whatever, I will enjoy it.


3 September 2008

Skydive




I am seriously considering doing a tandem skydive next year. For the last 5 years skydiving has appealed & the older I am getting the more it is appealing to me.

I just think you should make the most of life & although it would scare me silly to do it I imagine the adrenaline rush would be absolutely & totally amazing.

I'd do tandem for a number of reasons, the main ones being;

A. I wouldn't forget to pull the cord.

B. I would actually manage to do the jump & not sit on the edge a gibbering wreck.

C. If it did all go fatally wrong I would have the chance of a marginally soft landing. Lol

In all seriousness, I really, really want to do it. I think it is one of those things to do before you die (& let's face it, if you do die on landing then you've still achieved a skydive before death ;o) )

I'd also definitely make it sponsored, just so I couldn't chicken out two hours beforehand!

I am very taken with the idea but I'm not sure of doing it makes me brave, stupid, marginally insane or entirely certifiable.......

2 September 2008

Baby Blues

It looks like there is going to be a new addition to the family in aproximately 8 months time (I had to count that, I always get mixed up between human & horse gestation periods. Horses are 11 months for anyone who's curious)

And for those wondering, no, it's not me who is pregnant.

My wonderful 19 year old brother, the one who last year was having fights outside pubs, carrying a knife on & off & who has messed with cocaine on a very regular basis which led to him being told to get his stuff packed & find somewhere else to live because all his problems were affecting the rest of the family, has now gone & got a girl up the duff. She is keeping it.

I'll start from the beginning & it might make some sort of sense.

March/April time he split up with his long term girlfriend & for two months was single, he then started going out with the girl he is with now who by all accounts is a decent girl. She has a steady job, has her own place & her own car. He has been sacked from two jobs this year. He is now working for the minimum wage somewhere & from what my parents saw when they met up with him last week, is sponging off of his current girlfriend. Asking to be subbed for wages etc.

Anyway, in the two months of freedom he decided he'd go 'sleeping' with any girl willing. Last week he got tracked down in the small town he lives in by one of them & she announced to him that she is 11 weeks gone, it's his baby & she is keeping it.

From what I gather it wasn't even a one night stand but what you might call a two hour one, they got what they wanted & parted ways.

He has been told by more than one family member to ask for a DNA test as it seems she isn't bothered who goes there. This is confirmed by my brother having to visit the clap clinic after sleeping with her although granted, the way he has been putting it about it may not have been her but the dates tally. This has all come from my mother who has basically picked up the gist of things when she's been speaking to him.

He is at the stage where he"just knows" it's his & therefore, is refusing to ask for a DNA test.

I cannot believe what a stupid pratt he is & that is putting it mildly. He has had run ins with the police over various things, he dropped out of school with sod all GCSE's because he couldn't be bothered, he went abroad to live & ended up living with my dad, he went out partying & snorting every night, he got sacked from his job in Spain for stealing from the till & came over here in disgrace as he couldn't stay in Spain, fed my mum & step-dad a load of crap about him having to come over because of my dad (which I know for a fact is a load of crap after speaking to a friend) he got a job in England & a car, lost the job because he was turning up late & not working when he was there, sold the car to feed his drug habit & because he was joyriding around the industrial estate he was working on after hours. Went out of a night time & was not getting in until 3 & 4am, drunk & coked up. Starting fights & wandering in with black eyes & split lips. This is the point he was kicked out after being offered all the help he could wish for by family but nobody could take it anymore from him.

He went to live with friends & was living off bread & beans because all his money was going on drugs & alcohol.

Since last Summer he has lost four jobs because he doesn't turn up on time. He was offered the chance of an NVQ course at one & got himself sacked by turning up late, skiving while he was there & going home early whenever he could.

The new girlfriend knows about the baby, she is doing her "he's my man" bit by standing by him. More fool her because he will take the piss & leave her when the next comes along. Sadly, she is a nice girl & she might even ground him a bit if he sticks with her.

What sort of a father is that going to make? I know what he's like, two months after the baby is born he will not care. He never does, about anything. He's like a child with a new toy, loves the toy deeply for a week or so but then would rather play with the box it came in. Which is actually a very good analogy given the situation.....

It pisses me off so much. He's had the chance to go after a modelling career & earn good money. He's had the chance of good job prospects & getting a life for himself, he's had unlimited support from family for his various problems but is intent on wrecking any prospect or chance he has.
He talks & charms his way through life & leaves other people to deal with the consequences.

He is not evil but he is a pain in the arse who is going to tangle with the wrong person one day because of how he behaves & what he does.

He went off the rails at 14 & hasn't looked back but got progressively worse. He's so fucking immature he thinks it clever to take the piss out of the police in town when he's drinking, but only from a safe distance of course....

I know my dad is a complete tosser & not worth bothering with but you can only use that as an excuse for how you are to a certain extent. Plenty of people have difficult home lives, they make something of themselves & better themselves. They don't use it as an excuse to be a total twat.

My brother is nowhere near ready enough for the responsibility of bringing up a child. He just isn't. He can barely look after himself.

I was so proud of him last year for getting off the coke & I know for a fact he is back on it & doing it of a weekend because "it's only a little bit". It's never a little bit, it always leads to bigger things & he should know that by my older brother's experience of starting with cannabis & reaching the heady heights of heroine addiction.

My family are fuck ups.

My dad is an abusive alcoholic who thinks the definition of fathering is writing to his daughter to ask for money but having no contact otherwise.

My mum had my eldest brother very, very young. Is now back to being religious & see's me as a modern day Jezebel because I wear short skirts & she doesn't believe I should be having sex out of marriage. She also doesn't believe I should get drunk or watch Family Guy.
That strikes me as somewhat hypocritical.

My older brother is an ex heroine addict gone good but who has now started smoking cannabis again since the break up of his relationship early this year.

My younger brother is on a first class ticket to becoming a train wreck of a human being at 19. He is 20 in October & is throwing his life away at every opportunity.

My one sister who is living in Spain, at 14, was sleeping with a 26 year old because my dad & her were living in his house. If my sister stopped going out with him, my sister would have come over here & my dad would have had to stand on his own two feet but no, that's far too simple (& would actually mean he'd have to get off the booze & attempt something resembling work) so he thought he'd encourage the relationship as much as possible.
I suppose it turned out ok as they are now engaged. She's 17 & he is 29.
I still think it's wrong & I will never forgive my dad for his part in that especially.


Still, it's not all black because if the job hunting really does fail, I could always write in to Jeremy Kyle & provide my family as morning viewing for the next two years judging by the amount of material there is to use.

If I didn't laugh I would cry!!

Thinking about it, I'm lucky any relationship has lasted beyond a month considering eventually I have to introduce boyfriends to my family. I am surprised they stick for as long as they do sometimes!

Oh well. I'm sure it will sort itself out, everything generally does & I've just realised this post turned into one huge rant towards the end, never mind. It got it out of my system :o)
And apologies for the swearing, it only happens when I'm angry or upset & on this occasion, I felt justified.




1 September 2008

Sweet Dreams

Or not, as the case may be.
I have been having some seriously disturbing 'dreams' this past month or so.


I've always had nightmares at times, bad ones, ones where I am aware I will die, die because someone wants me to.

But the nightmare has outdone itself this time.


It was probably about three weeks ago now but I went to bed as normal, read a bit & then dropped off to sleep. And you know those dreams where you are either semi awake or the dream is so clear you can't imagine it being anything but real? This is what that was like.

I was hiding, getting away from someone, I was in an alleyway & I remember breathing as silently as possible & being paranoid that my heart was beating so loud it could be heard, trying to keep my breaths steady & measured.
I remember being crouched down behind something, I'm not sure what though, maybe something like those big four wheel type bins that are always outside of restaurants because I could see shadows under the gap between the base of the bin & the ground. I remember praying that I'd be O.K, that he wouldn't see my feet & trying to keep my nerves & fear under control.

I remember hearing the footsteps, seeing the shadow, feeling the tears rolling down my cheeks. I remember him lifting the hinge lid of the bin, looking in. Hoping he'd pass by.

Then he found me, his face was in shadow & I knew there was no way I could possibly escape him. I remember sobbing & begging him not to hurt me, I remember him answering with a cold laugh & I remember making a desperate last effort to run, to back away.
The effort wasn't enough. I felt him grab my hair & pull my head back & I remember feeling sick because I knew there was nothing I could do. I know I tried to pull away & scratch, anything to get away & all I could hear was laughter.

I felt him push me down onto my back & I remember hearing him say that it was no good, it was too late. I'd failed to get away & now I was going to pay the price. More laughter.

I remember begging & sobbing to be let go, feeling the cold, lead fear in my gut & feeling the wet cobblestones on the back of my head & body.

Then I felt his hands round my throat, tightening, gripping, trying to fight with my legs any way I could but feeling the heavy weight of his body pinning them down. Wishing I wasn't so small, wishing I was taller so it wasn't such an uneven match. Feeling his hands get tighter, then just his one hand pressing down over my larynx, suffocating me & me panicking. Then I saw him bring a knife out of his pocket, saw the silver glint in the streetlight. Feeling my body turn to cold, liquid fear & dread.
Still hearing his laughter but still not seeing his face clearly.

Feeling his hand press down harder & seeing the knife come towards me.

Trying so hard to scream & hearing the sound in my head but no sound coming out of my mouth, trying so hard to fight back, to scream & to kick, anything to stop him.
The sick realisation that nobody would save me becasue nobody knew, nobody could hear me or see me.

Feeling as if I was about to give up, that I just couldn't fight it anymore, couldn't fight him, seeing the blade draw within an inch of me & being resigned to my fate, wanting it to be over quickly & praying it wouldn't hurt but crying my heart out.
That I just wanted him to leave me alone or get it over with.

And then I woke up. Shaking, sobbing & being terrified he was there in my room, that it couldn't possibly be a dream, it was too real. He was too real. It was all too real.

Frantically kicking the bedding off & laying there in the cool air, feeling the tears run down my face, my body shivering with fright & feeling my heart rushing. Breathing deeply & trying to calm myself, feeling my hands, my legs shaking. Shaking with panic still & trying to calm my body & brain after the realisation it was all in my head & I was safe, there was nobody there.

The tears of dread & fear turning to tears of blissful relief.

I didn't go back to sleep that night.