4 February 2009

Fingers Crossed

My job prospects at the moment are dismal. I am getting nowhere & I am sick & tired of applying for jobs, knowing I could do them but being turned down. I have come to the conclusion that the biggest reason for this is a few large gaps in my employment history from the age of 17 to now. People want to know why & once I explain it was due to health issues that no longer affect me, they seem to get it lodged in their head that I will not be a viable option in their company. Which maddens me. They don't actually say that is why but they know & I know that that is the reason I am getting turned down for work. I am absolutely sick of having nothing to do apart from fill my time with ordianry daily stuff. Even hobbies get wearing if they're all you have to do.

How on earth people can remain unemployed & enjoy dossing off of the state rather than making efforts to get into work, I really do not know.

The Jobcentre is worse than useless & I am sure it is there for appearances only.

I could go to college but I don't want to spend time there on a course that I am only going to do to fill my time, gain a qualification or certificate at the end of it that I neither need or want & have the knowledge that completing a college course was a complete waste of my time.

So, I have set my thoughts on doing some voluntary work. Ultimately, I want to work for the Police Force in some capacity & so I'm aiming on volunteering for projects & charities that will help me with that aim.

So far the charities/organisations I've come up with are;

Womens Aid.

Citizens Advice Bureau.

Rape Crisis.

Gloucestershire Youth Offending Team.

They're all pretty challenging, I know that. And I don't know if I'd actually be any use or help but I can at least try & find out. They're all things I feel quite strongly about & all things I'd love to help with. I know it won't change the world but even small changes are good so if I can help with that, I'll be happy.
Although I don't know if I'd be any good I'm pretty sure that emotionally, I'd be able to stand up to it. I know I'm a good listener & I know that I'm objective with things & I have the ability to see things from both sides but also, to remain neutral. I know I can remain controlled in situations & it takes a lot for me to get heated or wound up. That's the basics covered at least.

Womens Aid - I feel strongly about domestic violence & I'd love to think I was doing something to help with or prevent it. The only thing with it is I'm not sure how suitable I'd be or whether I'd actually be any good at it.

Citizens Advice Bureau - A bit of everything & they do a scheme for 16-25 year old volunteers. It isn't my first choice but I'd be happy doing it.

Rape Crisis - One of my top two choices. A really difficult subject but from what they say they require of volunteers, something which I think I could handle. The biggest concern of mine would be that I'd be absolutely useless and of no help at all but they do provide you with training (obviously) so I am guessing that would go a long way towards helping you deal with situations in the right way.
I'd just be worried that someone would call & I'd either say the wrong thing or they went away feeling the same or worse than before they called. I'd hate that.
But I'm certain that they wouldn't throw their volunteers in head first to sink or swim when it's such an emotive subject to deal with.

Youth Offending Team - Along with Rape Crisis, my top choice. It would open my eyes to a lot & I'll probably become quite cynical but alos, the idea of it really appeals to me. I've even gone so far as to track down one of their contacts & asked a friend to help me compose an email to them.
I have the choice of phoning or emailing & I think I'd come across better if I emailed. I really would love the opportunity to do it & so I'd get flustered on the phone which probably isn't the best image to put across!

Rape Crisis require 2-12 hours per week from their volunteers & some groups ask for a minimum of six months voluntary work. Which is fine as even if I took on a full time job, I could still manage 2 - 5 hours per week.

Youth Offending Team seems to be more complex in that there are different avenues to go down so I need to ask a lot of questions about it but I am really keen to give it a go. It really does appeal to me.
And no, I am under no illusion that they will all be misunderstood cherubs who got in with the wrong crowd but at the same time, I'm pretty sure they won't all turn out to be wannabe crims-for-life either.

So, keep your fingers crossed for me please.
And keep them crossed harder than you all did when I winged my Police Application in, because look what happened there!


It's just happens to be the crazy little thing that is the bane of my life. More so this week than ever before.

I have a friend, I've been friends with him for about 3ish years now & throughout that time he has made it plain he'd quite like more than friendship, while I've made it plain I want nothing more than friendship. It was one of those things that was fairly easy to bat off, he'd flirt, drop hints & then ask me out. I'd ignore all efforts of flirting, play dumb at the hints & refuse his offers of a date.
Align Centre
At least by being like that, I figured there would be no mixed messages, no awkward moments & hopefully, no damage to the friendship. If he wasn't a good friend I'd have told him to jog on. As it is, he is a good friend & I don't have the heart to be harsh.

I am a very playful & natural flirt, to the point where I don't even realise I am flirting at times so I've made a big & concentrated effort not to flirt with him so nothing can be taken the wrong way. This is much harder than it sounds for me as my nature is programmed to be cheery, flirty & cheeky.

This was all ok until last year when he went off the radar. He went from being in touch quite regularly to nothing at all. Understandably, I was quite worried as when a friend just goes quiet, you tend to start wondering things. Anyway, I text him & sent a message on MSN as well as an email over a period of a few months to see if he was ok. No answer. So I took the hint & left it.

Out of the blue, over New Year I get a text from him wishing me happy new year & apologising for the disappearing act. I asked him what had been wrong & it came out that he'd got quite seriously depressed. That really isn't good & I was really worried about him but he has assured me that he's fine now & it's sorted. He's still on medication but the thing that was making him depressed is now no longer around so he's back at university etc.

The thing is now, the flirting thing has started up again & seems to have gone from hopeful flirting to a declaration of love.

This is not good. God knows how long he spent typing out what he text me, I wouldn't be surprised if he had RSI at the end of it but this is what arrived in my text inbox the other day.....

"I can't understand why you're single or how any man could have you & then let you go again. I'd give anything to have that with you & I don't know if you'll ever have those sort of feelings for me. It's unfair of me to ask you if you think that's possible but I want you to know that I love you. I'm in love with you & I have been for the past three years. You're all I want in a woman. You're stunningly pretty, you have the whole package, the looks, the personality & the humour. You're everything I dream of & I'd do anything to have you fall in love with me. You're all I think about. I've thought about this & if I had the opportunity to spend the rest of my life with you, I'd be the happiest man in the world & I wouldn't hesitate to ask for your hand in marriage."

My initial reaction was to read it & then think "F^&k". The best I could do was text him back three hours later & jokingly say he was looking through rose tinted spectacles & was silly for thinking what he did. I realise that's probably not the most stunning plan of action but it was the best I could come up with at the time......

It's not that there's anything wrong with the guy.... He's 27, good career plans, not a waster, kind, generous, caring & a heart of gold. He is absolutely lovely. But I am not attracted to him in any way. It would be like kissing my brother to kiss him. IE; It wouldn't even enter my head. There is absolutely nothing there on my part. But for some incomprehensible reason, he has always had a thing for me.

I've said that I don't feel there is anything there to base a relationship on, that we're much better as friends etc etc etc. But he just comes back with ways around the obstacles I put in his path.

I did eventually properly reply to the text saying that at the moment, I don't feel anywhere near ready for a relationship & I don't need the hassle of one but that is wrong in that if the right guy came along, I'd consider it.
And if I do end up seeing someone, well, he's going to know the excuse I provided was a pack of lies.

He seems to think that all I need is time & eventually, I'll see that he is the perfect man for me.
Except he isn't.

He thinks if he buys me stuff it'll prove how much he likes me (I told him straight to not even try that as I'd never talk to him again. Again, not the most genius of replies but I didn't want him buying anything for me thinking it would change my mind.)

I can't be blunt with him. When I'm blunt, I really am blunt & I don't want to hurt him. But at the same time, I don't want to give him any hope that something may happen in the future because it absolutely won't.

I've tried burying my head in the sand but that makes him more insistent so that obviously isn't the way to go.

I've tried skirting around the issue but then he just tries to persuade me otherwise.

This isn't how it's supposed to be!!! It's not in the rule book. Your friends are not supposed to fall in love with you. Friends are there to get you through the bad times & be ribbed on every possible occasion, not to live happily ever after with.

The man who tells me he's in love with me & wants to marry me should be the man I want to hear it from, not a friend I feel nothing beyond friendship for!

I have a creeping feeling that I am either going to have to be (gently) blunt with him or end the friendship because I really can't stand being told by him that I'm this, that or the other at least once weekly.

As I said, if he hadn't had the problems he'd had last year then I'd feel ok telling him there is not a cat in hells chance of him ever being more than a friend. But I really don't feel I can do that.

If he was a twat, I'd feel quite happy saying that & purposely being a bit vicious but he isn't a twat. He's lovely.

It would be like kicking a puppy.