23 April 2009

Well Hello!

If anyone still reads this after an absence of posts for 11 weeks *blush*.
Why the absence? I'm not sure really. I've been fine in myself but there's an awful lot going on & trying to sort my life out is feeling like a constant uphill struggle & I just haven't felt like blogging. I'm sure the internet is eternally grateful at having an 11 week break from my clutter & chaos! Lol.

Rather than do one huge post I'll do a brief one filled with all the recent news.

1. I am an Auntie to a baby boy. Baby J came into the world on the 01/03/2009 weighing just over 6lb. He is absolutely adorable & I've already been browsing the baby section in shops. It's making me broody!

2. The friend who wanted more from me than friendship has dropped me like a red hot brick. I was completely upfront with him & explained I just didn't have those feelings for him & was very unlikely to. He said he was down my way for a week & did I want to go for coffee, I was busy so declined.
He then asked me a few days later if I wanted to be his +1 at his friend's wedding. The wedding I'd already specifically stated I would not attend with him.
I explained that with how he felt about me & me wanting to keep the friendship strictly platonic, that I wouldn't be able to go along with him.
His friends are not friends of mine, I've barely said hello to the groom & less to the rest of them. If I've met them at all.
I just told him that I didn't think it was appropriate after the way I'd explained how I wouldn't feel about him & that a wedding is something that when you have a +1, it should either be your girlfriend or friends of the bride or groom. Of which I am niether.
I haven't heard anything from him since & this was over 10 weeks ago. I obviously did not mean that much to him!
I'm glad I no longer have to keep wriggling out of things but it would have been nice for him to at least say something before disappearing off of the radar. I just hope he is OK & he hasn't got his old demons perching on his shoulder again.

3. I have started riding again! It's sporadic at the moment as I can't actually afford proper lessons so I am begging, borrowing or stealing rides from friends' horses. It felt absolutely fantastic, it was only when I was saddling up the horse that I really realised how much I have missed riding. I kept getting little fluttery bursts of excitement & had a constant grin on my face.
I paid for it in as much as I was walking like John Wayne the next day as due to my lack of riding, all of my riding muscles had gone back to sleep & were awoken with a severe jolt the other day!
It was absolutely amazing though, like actually seeing things properly again. That familiar smell of horse, the familiar sensation of the saddle & the horse's movement beneath me. The mouthing of the bit & seeing the pricked ears in front of me, flicking back to catch my voice & feeling the horse react to my commands.
Just like putting on a comfy pair of slippers after wearing shoes that are OK, but not quite right for your feet. Fantastic.

4. Hayfever! I've been congested for the last 8 weeks or so now. It seems to be starting earlier every year & my symptoms seem to be getting worse as each year goes by. My eyes are watery & randomly sting like mad, they're red & puffy most mornings & sometimes, during the day. I'm also sneezing lots.
Nightmare. Superdrug have a buy 1 get 1 free offer on Clarityn so I shall be stocking up on that for now. If it gets much worse at the height of the Summer I think I shall see the doctor about it.

5. The rabble went away for two weeks to stay in a villa in Spain. A friend of the family lives out there & invited everyone out for two weeks.
I stayed, partly because I liked the idea of the peace & quiet of the house to myself & partly because Sam needed looking after. It would have really upset him going into kennels I think.
Anyway, having that two weeks to myself & then having everyone back has made me realise just how desperately I want to move out.
It's a well known but unspoken truth that I do not live up to my mother's standards or ideas of what an ideal daughter should be. I believe in God but I choose not to follow the religion the rest of my family follows, I think it would be extremely hypocritical to follow a religion just so it makes someone else happy & keeps the peace. I am not a hypocrite.
I dress wrongly, I keep less than ideal company in my mother's eyes, I read the wrong stuff (Glamour magazine is apparently, pornographic) I like the wrong TV programmes, I have the wrong opinions & I have the wrong views in life. I'm aiming for the wrong things in life, I shouldn't be having boyfriends, I shouldn't be wearing mini skirts or even slightly revealing tops. I shouldn't flirt & I'm the wrong weight. My sisters look better in my clothes than I do, they're better looking, they're more elegant & sophisticated. I have too high an opinion of myself & I'm nothing special.
I'm weak & two faced apparently. I'm also a tart & a slapper.

The truth is, I'm none of the above but this has all been said, & more, in the last few years & I've gone past ignoring it, past trying to understand, past picking myself apart over every single comment, past the tears, past the anger, past the gut wrenchingly sick feelings every time she says something to put me down, past standing in front of the mirror & trying to see what she sees in me, past trying to make myself perfect in her eyes, past caring what she actually thinks anymore because no matter what I do or what I change about me, it's never good enough. I know I'm none of what she says, I know deep down I'm nothing like it but at the time it's said & for a long while after, it doesn't stop it cutting deep & stinging for weeks afterwards.
It's starting to make me depressed. I'm losing the fight I have & something needs to be done so towarsds the end of the year, I'm planning on moving out. Either a 1 bedroomed flat or a bedsit. And if I have no job still by then which I dearly hope is not the case, but if I do I'm going to do something I swore I wouldn't because it makes me feel such a scavenger.
I will claim housing benefit & any other benefit I can because I can't live any longer with the almost daily put downs & the constant feeling & knowledge that compared to my sisters, I just don't measue up.

6. My best friend in the whole wide worls is moving to Newport. It's an only an hour away by train but that's not the same as being five minutes down the road. I'll miss her like crazy. We are almost a carbon copy of each other & in the years we've been friends, we've never ever had one cross word let alone a falling out or argument. She is one of those friends that only come along once in a lifetime. No matter how rubbish I feel about myself or whatever problems I'm having, she's there for me without fail and it's the same with me when she's having a rough time.
I can laugh until I cry with her, I can talk to her about anything in the world & I know it won't go any further. I can sit & chat with her for three hours & it feels like 30 minutes.
And I know she's only on the other end of the telephone & Newport is hardly Australia but it's still going to be horrible when she leaves. I shall have to bulk buy some Kleenex!

7. he Summer is here! I may even get to work on having a tan this year. I say 'tan' but the deepest coulour I go is a pale gold so hardly what you can call a tan. But still, I love the sunshine & it's nice to see the back of the grey skies :o)

8. Ashes To Ashes is back & I am a very happy bunny about that :o)

9. This was supposed to be a brief & short post! Never mind, at least it's off my chest & a bit clearer in my head. There will be more concise posts to follow but in the meantime, I hope everyone reading this is well & happy :o)

10. I have applied for four jobs. Keep your fingers crossed for me! ;o)

xxx



9 comments:

Chapati said...

I'm still reading!

Congrats on becoming an auntie :-)

I know exactly what you're going through with the living at home thing, with it draining the fight out of you. Pretty much the same thing happened to me over the last year, and it got to the point where I was extremely close to depression before my parents realised how much it was upsetting me. I'll never get the girl who first moved back home from uni back, but I wasn't the kind of person to be able to forsee how much trying to work on the problem rather than argue and move out (there is no way I would have been able to move out without a major argument) would affect me. I hope it works out well for you.

Good luck with the jobs!

Girl With The Golden Touch said...

Me too :)

Congrats on becoming an auntie, I am so broody atm it is untrue! I want a baby :(

Hope you get home things sorted. Glad your still around! xxx

RandomPinkness said...

Hey there stranger, it's grand to have you back I was getting a wee bittie worried! Good to hear you're riding again. If you ever need a rant I'm here my dear, good luck with the jobs!

If you do move out, beforehand to really piss your mum off lets go on a girls night out, the drunken, Jewish, flirty, swearing, corset wearing, mind speaking, so-and-so that is me may possibly overload her disapproval meter ;-) lol

Dark Side said...

Good to have you back I have missed you, congrats on bring an Auntie too.

I have suffered from really bad hayfever for years and last year my GP tried me on Levocitrizine it's only available on prescription you take one a day and it has been a revelation to me so might be worth trying.

The over the counter stuff never worked for me...xx

thoughts running through my head.... said...

glad you're back hun!!!!xxx

Sage said...

And she's back... hurrah.. good luck on the job front and the housing issue.. don't be too hard on yourself I think in our eyes we don't and will never stand up to what we think our parents think we ought to be.. I was always being compared to my brother, and he to me.. we didn't compare notes until both parents no longer alive tho and it has affected our relationship with each other.. be happy :-)

cogidubnus said...

Glad you're ok...like Pinkness I was a getting tad concerned...

Kaiser Bill said...

I wear a fishbowl over my head ref. the hayfever.....it works like a dream ~ my only problem is occasional fin rot

Anonymous said...

Hey J,

Welcome back! Missed you!

(Would have found you were back sooner but had a viral chest infection/heart rhythm problem followed by bronchitis)

Congrats on becoming Auntie J.

Elliott x