30 September 2009

Incy Wincy Spider

OK, yes I agree that spiders do very good things for the environment & they are a necessary evil I suppose. But they are far less good for my heart & paranoid nerves at finding them in places they should not be.

Three times in as many weeks I've been confronted by hairy spiders lurking where they've no business to lurk!

On getting ready to go out dogwalking while talking to my brother & trying to fumble on my Primark Ugg boots, looking down to put my toes in to see an empty boot & looking down two seconds later to find a hairy spider emerge from my boot & nestle itself in to the heel.
I have never squealed so loudly & jumped out of a chair so quickly as I did then. My brother looked at me like I was demented while I threw my boot to the other side of the room. The dog started barking in shock & the puppy just looked at me with his head cocked to one side & his look clearly said that I was a complete looper. It's ok for him, he can just play with them & eat them.
I got my brother stick his hand in both boots to try & get the spider & other lurking spiders out. In the end I had to go & get the hoover. I need my boots & my brother couldn't remove the spider without squishing it in to the toe of my boot.

When I get up in the morning & stumble over to my wardrobe in my caffiene deprived state & lift up the door on my wardrobe (my wardrobe is canvas) I really do not need to be confronted by a fat hairy spider sat on my jumper pile. Especially not with it's hideous legs bunched up underneath itself like it's about to jump on my face.

On the plus side, it woke me up like nothing else. On the negative side, my whole family thought some mugger had managed to climb in through my window on hearing my screams & shouts of horror.

And last by no means least, I was sat down on the sofa earlier & trying to get comfortable. For some reason we have humungous sofas & when I sit back on them, my feet just about hang over the edge of the cushion. They are stupidly deep.
Anyway, I couldn't get comfortable so I got up to plump up the cushions, pulled them both up off the sofa to see a spider scrunched up between the back of the seat cushion & the back of the sofa.
This meant I shrieked & waved my arms in the general direction of the sofa as my stepdad looked on in utter bewilderment wondering what on earth had made me behave like a madwoman all of a sudden.

I can cope with rats. I used to have them run across my welly clad feet when I was on the farm. They used to hide in the horses hay & when I went to fill the nets up, the odd one or two would jump out & run across my feet & out of the feedroom door.

That was just about bearable.

But I really cannot cope with spiders. They move far too fast & in far too unpredictable a manner for my liking. One minute they're scuttling across the floor & the next they're running up your leg. Bluergh!

When we had our Arab friend stay with us a very funny thing happened. I was sat on the laptop & he was sat watching a film when all of a sudden he sort of squeaked & pointed. The biggest spider I have ever seen in my life was sat between the doorway of the living room & the chairs we were sat on. I nearly dropped the laptop & when I turned round to my friend to ask him to kill it or catch it, bearing in mind he was the male & should be all masculine about these things, I saw him stood in the chair pointing at the spider & telling me to get rid of it!

This lead to us looking for suitable spider killing ammunition within arms reach of us both. The T.V guide failed spectacularly & lead to the spider scuttling forward a few paces. A particulalrly chunky copy of Horse & Hound, which I objected strongly to being thrown as I didn't want spider intestines all over the back of it also failed in the spider killing attempt. Which was just as well as my objections were silenced by the sight of it flying past my eyes & landing far too wide of the mark. I told my friend he was a rubbish shot. He told me to do better because despite being the man, there was no way he was going near it.

I went for broke & got hold of my stepdads work boots. The boot landed on it's intended target but I could still see the legs so me & my friend tried to persuade each other to go & finish the job. Neither of us gave in so I kept a wary eye on the boot for the next 30 minutes until bedtime.

It goes without saying my parents were very bemused to come down in the morning & find the contents of the coffee table thrown in the vague direction of the doorway.
It turned out we'd failed in our attempts at spider killing as my mum came face to face with it outside my room a few days later. It turned tail & leaped down the first two stairs before being captured by my stepdad & released.

After all this I have come to the conclusion I need a spider catcher. Somebody who is around 24/7 to rescue me from my spider induced frights & to nicely catch & discard the spider in a friendly way. Failing that, a smack with the heel of a well aimed boot will do... ;-)


Girl With The Golden Touch said...

'Laugh, Scream or Cry!' - I just nearly did all three! GROSS OMG I know - how many spiders are around right now? I see them all the time and the other day I wondered if they are taking over the world. I think so. I am so scared! xx

cogidubnus said...

"After all this I have come to the conclusion I need a spider catcher. Somebody who is around 24/7 to rescue me from my spider induced frights & to nicely catch & discard the spider in a friendly way."

See - I knew the missus had SOME reason for putting up with me...this must be what it is!

Girl*Next*Door said...

GWTGT; I know. It's a conspiracy I thee! ;o)

Cogi; I would put up with a boyfriend if they had at least one plus point! But I only seem to attract useless losers who can't even catch spiders.. Hmmm..

Littleacornman said...

Oh come on ladies! Pint glass over the top of 'em,bit of cardboard swiftly applied to top of glass and out the house they go.Easy ;-)
( and if you can't manage that,at least they eat all the other bugs in the house!)

Girl*Next*Door said...

Littleacornman; The glass thing would be fine if I was brave enough to get that close but I'm not. I can't stand them.
The thing that's worrying me is the female spiders laying eggs. Yeuch!