16 August 2011

In To Battle

I got up yesterday morning in the usual state of caffiene-deprived grogginess and generally half-asleep still. I wandered in to the kitchen, put the kettle on and came back in to the living room to draw the curtains. Usually they stay closed for the first half hour or so but it was 6.30am and the sun looked glorious so I thought I'd open them early. I made my way over to the curtains and then stood stock-still for there on the white curtain was a spider of woman-eating proportions. I kid you not, it was massive. I actually stood there and swore aloud at the size of it. Bear in mind I'd only been awake five minutes, it was 6.30am in the morning and all I had to protect myself with was a vest top and pyjama bottoms, I think swearing was quite a mild reaction!

Swiftly, before it decided to scuttle away or launch itself at my face, I ran through the options:

1. Call stepdad. Even though he loves me, he doesn't love me enough to come and rescue me from spiders at almost the crack of dawn.

2. Squirt something at it to kill it. After a quick run-through in my panicked state at what was available to squirt it with, that was also a no-go.


4. Go in to battle with whatever weapons at my disposal. My only chance.

All the while this was going through my mind, I was making little squeaks of fear and my tummy felt like it was about to fall out through my feet it was squirming that much.
so, option 4 was decided on but I then realised I was bare-foot so it was a very quick run to the bedroom to get my boots (the heavy-duty ones I use for the yard and walking), put them on and then grab the hoover. All the time I was trying to keep one eye on the horrible hairy mutant stuck to my curtains.

So, hoover plugged in and I am booted in case I need to either stomp or run. At this point I was stood about two feet from the spider and was trying to breathe properly and not squeal. Finally, after a minute's psyching myself up, I switched the hoover on and tried to hold the nozzle up to the spider without screaming or my arm involuntarily jerking away and all the time I'm hopping from foot to foot. Just as I went to suck it up the hoover it tried to move away and was half-dangling, half-clinging to the curtain.

I screamed. I properly screamed and jumped around a bit and everything. Somehow, I managed to shove the hoover nozzle blindly at the mutant in the vain hope it would suck it up and get it out of my way and thankfully it did.

Only then did I start to breathe nornmally again, well I did until it struck me that spiders have a habit of being able to scuttle through pipes easily. Luckily, the sellotape was within reach and I had the sense to leave the hoover on as I taped up the nozzle and taped the nozzle to the actual pipe. Just to make sure there was no chance of escape.

It is still there now and although it looked like it could have bitten the leg off an elephant, it doesn't appear to be able to bite through sellotape. I know this because I checked that the sellotape was intact by bravely poking it and putting the hoover on at random spells to make sure the spider was still safely being held captive.

If it is an asthmatic spider or a spider with hayfever then I am afraid life won't be too good for it at the moment but at least I can sleep at night now.

I don't know what on earth my neighbours thought. Either that I was being murdered by a serial killer who is OCD with housework or that hoovering was the pleasurable, that I was screaming with the joy of it.

If only they knew the horrific truth :o).


cogidubnus said...

Oh GND...poor old spider...there was she enjoying a quiet siesta, and suddenly she's sucked into a dark tank...get a neighbour to let her out you big bully!

Girl*Next*Door said...

Cogi, he/she/it is massive! I am not joking, the span of it is huge :-O. Anyway, I'm not that much of a bully, before it was released I plucked up the courage to suck up a dead fly for it soit didn't starve. I was just very concerned that spider might take it's chance and come scuttling out of the hoover nozzle, even though the hoover was on. My stepdad came down and released him/her/it yesterday so it's safely out of my flat and scuttling around somewhere in the next road. I got my stepdad to release it in the next road as apparently, under a certain distance and it will make it's way back to the house or flat it was settled in :-O.

Terrifying thought!

Carlito86 said...


When I lived on my own last year, the first flat I moved into attracted so many spiders and I was finding them all over and it got to the point where if I saw one I'd just burst into tears (and I mean little ones too). One day I came home quite late and there was one right above my bed and it was big and I had to actually do shots of vodka before braving it to spray it with dry shampoo and then beat it with a wicker basket (!) and finally vac the body up../then I just pulled the vac into the hallway and made my mum come the next morning and empty the vac bag!! Who says I'm dramatic haha

Do you read Lauren French's blog? She powted the other day on twitter a pic of a spider she found and I have honestly nver seen anything as big :(


Girl*Next*Door said...

Carlito, I used to live in a very old farmhouse (mentioned in the Domesday Books) and it had some monsters! I'm not joking, one had such a huge span it was too big to fit on one of the stairs and when my cousin put it in a jamjar to take outside, it's legs were right under it :-O.
One that I saw was so big that I heard it before I saw as it's legs were making a scuttling tip-tap sound on the plaster wall!

I hate them. They move too fast. So far there have been two big ones and this one that was on the curtain was very big. It's made me wary of moving things around in case one scuttles out at me. Worse, if it scuttles over my hand or my arm or falls in my hair. I have real issues with them :o(.