Swiftly, before it decided to scuttle away or launch itself at my face, I ran through the options:
1. Call stepdad. Even though he loves me, he doesn't love me enough to come and rescue me from spiders at almost the crack of dawn.
2. Squirt something at it to kill it. After a quick run-through in my panicked state at what was available to squirt it with, that was also a no-go.
3. Leave it there. NO WAY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS THAT STAYING THERE.
4. Go in to battle with whatever weapons at my disposal. My only chance.
All the while this was going through my mind, I was making little squeaks of fear and my tummy felt like it was about to fall out through my feet it was squirming that much.
so, option 4 was decided on but I then realised I was bare-foot so it was a very quick run to the bedroom to get my boots (the heavy-duty ones I use for the yard and walking), put them on and then grab the hoover. All the time I was trying to keep one eye on the horrible hairy mutant stuck to my curtains.
So, hoover plugged in and I am booted in case I need to either stomp or run. At this point I was stood about two feet from the spider and was trying to breathe properly and not squeal. Finally, after a minute's psyching myself up, I switched the hoover on and tried to hold the nozzle up to the spider without screaming or my arm involuntarily jerking away and all the time I'm hopping from foot to foot. Just as I went to suck it up the hoover it tried to move away and was half-dangling, half-clinging to the curtain.
I screamed. I properly screamed and jumped around a bit and everything. Somehow, I managed to shove the hoover nozzle blindly at the mutant in the vain hope it would suck it up and get it out of my way and thankfully it did.
Only then did I start to breathe nornmally again, well I did until it struck me that spiders have a habit of being able to scuttle through pipes easily. Luckily, the sellotape was within reach and I had the sense to leave the hoover on as I taped up the nozzle and taped the nozzle to the actual pipe. Just to make sure there was no chance of escape.
It is still there now and although it looked like it could have bitten the leg off an elephant, it doesn't appear to be able to bite through sellotape. I know this because I checked that the sellotape was intact by bravely poking it and putting the hoover on at random spells to make sure the spider was still safely being held captive.
If it is an asthmatic spider or a spider with hayfever then I am afraid life won't be too good for it at the moment but at least I can sleep at night now.
I don't know what on earth my neighbours thought. Either that I was being murdered by a serial killer who is OCD with housework or that hoovering was the pleasurable, that I was screaming with the joy of it.
If only they knew the horrific truth :o).