I spoke to him when he got back and through the slightly raised voices, me coming up with no other excuse than "I don't know" for how I feel (let's face it, in anyone's book that is infuriatingly poor as far as excuses go), tears, guilt on my part (for how I feel, nothing that I have done) and various other emotions we have come to a mutual decision of a parting of ways. I don't know if this is the right thing, I don't know really what to think anymore or even if my thoughts are worth listening to. During the talks we had he did say he thought I was running scared; ending things while I had the chance to end them rather than have things ended and not have a say in the matter. He asked why I felt like something was wrong and all I could say was the 'spark' wasn't there for me but is that something that needs to be there for a good relationship to flourish? It's been there before and got me a one-way ticket to being shit on from a great height so I don't know.
I know if I stayed where I am I wouldn't ever have to worry about being cheated on, or worry about money or being supported or being stood by but I feel I am doing him a serious disservice by feeling like I am 'going with the flow'. He's all about reality and the roots of what matter, I'm all about what's in the heart and rarely listen to my head which is why I've ended up where I have before.
He has told me I am emotionally cold to some extent and I agree with that. I do put up walls and barriers and take a jokey 'yeah yeah whatever' stance until I feel like it's okay to let myself be vulnerable, more in this past eighteen months than ever before. It's not selfishness, it's self-preservation from being giving, giving, giving and still left wanting when I find me giving and trying hasn't been enough.
Maybe I am focusing on the tiny details and making them in to problems so I feel like I have a valid reason for walking away from, in som ways, the nicest man I've ever had the fortune to be with.
I feel like giving myself a good hard slap and telling myself to grow up. When he is here, I don't always want him to be. When he isn't here, I don't always want him to be away. I sound like a petulant child!
I don't know. I'm fed-up of thinking, of trying to reason things out and stressing about it to the point of not eating while he was away overseas. I didn't feel it was right or fair to tell him about my thoughts and feelings until he was back on home soil and the pressure of playing happy families so to speak meant I ended up (of my own making) very stressed and tired.
There is no bad blood or ill feeling or thoughts between us. If anything we're behaving like best friends and able to discusss the 'what ifs' as adults (which we obviously both are) and aren't laying blame, making snipes or anything like that. He has reason to considering the news I greeted him with on his return home. I couldn't hide it, my tone of voice said it all despite my attempts to pretend otherwise.
I just don't know what to make of how I feel. I'd like it very much if feelings and emotions came in little boxes you could select according to how you want to feel about a situation. Something to work on for the Dragons Den team maybe!
Neither of us are perfect.
There have been some comments made on both sides that have made me stop and think. I'm not going in to detail as that wouldn't be fair considering he knows this blog exists and playing dirty isn't my style.
I think I've made the right decision, I just feel sad about it.